Aye.

Everyday closer is more and more difficult.

In many ways it feels like I'm simply going on vacation and I'll be back in 2 weeks (Victoria I now officially know how you felt).

I've cried pretty much everyday this week. Yesterday was a headache. I changed my hotel because I realized that the airport is unrealistically far from where I actually want to live. I panicked and sent out at least a dozen emails on appartager.com of people seeing about renting a place. A few responded telling me to call them, yeah I have a US number...I can't do that, so cool. I told them I'd call them when I got to France.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am. Truth be told I'm not, and I tell them that and they don't believe me. I had a decision without thinking it through. How the hell am I, a 22 year old who is just barely becoming somewhat independent, going to even be able to somewhat handle moving to a country where I barely understand the reason and don't know ANYONE?!?!?! I am so dumb.

It doesn't help that I'm the most nostalgic person ever. Everytime I drive by somewhere somewhat significant I get sad. I guess I feel like, a lot can happen in 7 months. I'm gonna come back and everyone is going to be different and nobody will have missed me (at least that's my fear). I have this, vision of myself as not being memorable. I always get shocked when someone from my past comes up to me and recognizes me. I guess it's because I've always been kinda shy and I am surprised I have made enough impact for people to remember. I dunno.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people more than they realize, that's pretty hard to think about too. I have amazing people in my life, both that I've known for years and have just met.

I hope I find my niche quickly and that I am able to adjust without being too homesick.

I can't believe I'm doing this, and I don't think I will until I am on that plane sobbing my eyes out.

Here it comes

17 days and I will be on my way to starting the craziest journey of my life.

I am completely bi polar with my emotions, going between completely panicked and terrified...to so antsy and excited that I want to go camp out at the airport right now.

I still have no set place to live. I look almost daily but I just get quickly stressed and discouraged. Ugh, I don't know how to do this. I have no idea how to be an adult.

One of my closest friends left for Korea on Wednesday. That, coupled with a series of events that have occurred this week sent me into a tailspin. I spent about 90% of the day in tears. I didn't get out of bed until I had to at about 4pm. It was so rough. I think everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Her leaving made me realize probably one of the hardest parts of growing up yet, the fact that I probably will never live in the same city as all of the people I have grown up with and loved for the majority of my life.

Not only am I leaving people I've known for years, but I'm leaving a bunch of new friends who I have had barely enough time to get to know! I am thankful for the internet; facebook, skype, blogger, etc. because that way I will be able to keep in touch and keep tabs on all my wonderful family and friends.

There are so many changes going on in every single facet of my life that it's mildly hard to take at sometimes and it makes me wonder if I picked the worst time in the world to leave. However, on the other side of that, maybe I picked the best time. I'm not sure if I'd be able to cope with all this if I was caught up in the middle.

In some ways I feel like I'm still 16 years old. Naive, boy-crazy, and not a true care in the world. In many other ways, I am not that girl at all. I have grown up leaps and bounds in the last 4 years. I am hoping that all the lessons I have learned have prepared me to take on the world all by myself. We will see in just over 2 shorts weeks.

What have I gotten myself into?!?!

So today I had an epiphany...or two. When I was down by the U of A for salsa it suddenly dawned on me that I really am no longer a student there. I've kind of been waiting for this day; the day that I would realize that, after 17 straight years I was just done. Weird. Definitely weird. The last 4 years feel like they blurred by so fast.

Second realization occurred shortly after when I realized that I would soon be quitting the only job I have ever had. Another one that I knew was coming, but still equally as...whoa. As much as I have hated that place, I have grown up there and I have learned so much about people in the last 5 years. There are some people who I will miss to death and few who I cannot wait to say good riddance, I hope we never cross paths again.

Third and final realization was WTF AM I DOING?!?!?! I'm deeply questioning what I'm doing. I am up and leaving basically everything I have ever known, every ONE I have ever known for a place where I will not know anything. I hardly even speak French. I knew that this realization would come as well. I know myself, I knew that I would regret it and feel this complete urge to back out. I am someone who hates change and, unless I am forced to do something I never will. This is why I bought my plane ticket months ago, I knew that if I waited and had no definite plans I would chicken out.

I'm in too deep now to back out. I have a plane ticket, I almost have a place to live, I have my visa. This is real.

In 69 days I will be on my way to Marseille, France and probably scared out of my freakin mind. I am a planner and this entire thing is so unplanned. On one hand I am panicking and attempting to plan the crap out of the next seven months; on the other...I really don't care. I have this feeling in my gut that everything will work itself out. With everything I just said, deep down I feel OK. I know that this is right and that this is what I need to do. I am letting (to get all hippy and metaphysical for a second) the stars guide me and I am ready to just relax and enjoy the ride.

My ultimate main concern is money. I think that's where my stress comes from. I do not have enough saved and I want to be able to travel and stuff. I have some options for funds but I really need to decide if they are right. That is for another day though!