But really, are any of us real people?

April 2nd. 29 days left in France, what the hell?

When I started, I knew time would fly...but I guess I didn't realize it would go by THIS fast. The last 6 months of my life have been SUCH a blur.

Cleared out my phone today and text messages sent in September feel like they were sent yesterday.

I'm so excited for the next, I'm gonna say...3 months.

April I'm going to try and live it up and enjoy the last of the time I have here as much as I can.

May will be readjusting to a life I once knew. I feel the same as when I left Tucson, but I know that I can't be. You can't spend 7 months in a completely foreign country away from everyone you've ever known for the first time and expect to go home as though nothing has changed.

June I shall be setting off to Israel for 10 days on my birthright trip. For those of you that don't know, every person with a Jewish parent is entitled to a free guided trip to Israel before they are 26. I know several people who have done this and they have told me it was absolutely the best experience ever. I cannot wait. I'm hoping it will further this year of self-discovery.

The last two and a half weeks have been really rough. Lots of stuff has been going on and because of that I am just ready to be at home and be around my family.

However,  on the other hand, this has been SUCH a rewarding experience and I have met amazing people and I know that it won't take long for the nostalgia and the realization that I won't be able to just walk down the Vieux Port to see everyone hits.

It's been a Rollercoaster and I know I've complained about being here a lot but, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

I suck at blogging

I have completely neglected my blog over the last month and a half. Gah.

Life has been a rollercoaster (as per usual). I usually am one to document every moment in detail of every trip and event. However, as of late, I've taken a different approach. I feel somewhat like John Mayer in the song 3x5. I'm just seeing everything and absorbing it.

Well let's see, some bullet points...maybe ill fill in the rest at another time

• Paris!
• Christmas Eve on the Eiffel Tower
• Christmas Day wandering Paris with Pawn and Cody followed by duck and pasta for dinner.
• Day after Christmas in Disneyland Paris
• London!
• Mini Beatles Pilgrimage to Liverpool with Pawn and Matt
• Clubbin' in Liverpool
• 5 hour Megabus ride back to London at 6am.
• Spending a wonderful day exploring London with our pal Scotty
• Ringing in the New Year with amazing people at the London Eye
• Staying up until 8am to ring in the New Year across the world up until Los Angeles
• New Years Day hungover (duh) wandering London and ending up at the Tate Modern (in the top top 5 favorite museums in the world for sure)
• Back to Marseille with Pawn for a week where we hung out with my Marseille crew and visited the beautiful city of Cassis
•  Visiting Lea, one of the French Exchange students from high school, in Angers
• Spending the weekend with her family in Le Mans
• Ice Skating for the first time!
• Lyon with Michele, Sophia, and Lola
• Delicious "French" meal (I got a cheeseburger and everyone else got duck)
• Waking up to it snowing just a bit
• Riding bikes around the city all day.
• Toulouse with Chris, Stephanie, Sarah, Michele, Paul, Rosanna, and Frang
• Clubbing at a gay club until 4am. Left deciding we needed three things: 1. More Booze, 2. Food, 3. a cab home since our hotel was a bit on the outskirts of the city
• When we realized we were in France our priorities slowly dwindled. First we scratched off booze and decided we just wanted food and a cab....then when there was legitimately no food in sight we decided to go straight home.
• Took legitimately an hour of standing in the freezing cold to flag a cab from the main square of town...even after having called the cab company
• Woke up to REAL SNOW!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYWHERE!
• Tram closed due to snow; had to walk about 30 minutes to the metro station to get into down...with all of our luggage.
• Snowball fight in the city center
• Meeting Victoria in Paris!!!
• Salsa dancing in Paris and definitely being two of the best dancers in the club
• Thanksgiving store filled with American goods
• Week in Marseille with Victoria!
• Sick the entire time (for about the 5th time since I've been in France)
• Discovered that my neighbor could be more obnoxious than she already was and 1. Got a new boyfriend....who is apparently living with her now, and 2. got a subwoofer which she insists on blasting rap music against my wall pretty much all day. I have dubbed her room the nightclub. 
• London-Cyprus-London with Victoria.
• Meeting up with Swag again in London for a quick layover
• Cyprus being one of the most gorgeous places ever.
• Staying in a 4 star hotel on the freakin beach. 
• Massages
• Amazing buffet breakfast
• Seeing the most attractive boy ever just hanging out on the beach; whom we dubbed Apollo.
• Back to London; spending the night in Greenwich with Victoria's friend Steve.

 I think that's the briefest I can make it. My neighbor currently is trying to drive me insane with her stereo.  I can hear her having sex with her boyfriend quite clearly (multiple times each day), which is immediately followed by her blasting her music....that's right she turns the music on AFTER they have sex. WHY?! I have written her a very nice note to tell her that everyone in the damn apartment can hear her and it still is fairly audible at times. Granted, it has gotten better, but daily I still hear the bass bumping against my wall. ugh.

Work is just annoying. The kids are having major senioritis and they are getting worse at English. I seriously just can't be bothered to care any longer. Also my key doesn't seem to work to my classroom anymore and I went to the office and the lady basically told me to not worry about it. Uh I need to worry about it  because I can't get into my room....

I am trying to finish the last month and a half of my stay in France (WHERE THE HELL HAS TIME GONE?!?!!) strong. I feel like I've put on weight, I think it's honestly like 5 lbs; but when I look in the mirror I feel more. Also the fact that I am constantly ill is driving me insane. I've been eating a lot more fruit and veg which has at least helped on the health front...dunno about the rest.

I've been letting my salsa go, which makes me sad. I'm going to a congress in three weeks and hopefully it's good times even though I'm going all alone.

The weather has improved SO much. It was 73 yesterday, and I took a nice head-clearing walk to the beach. I laid on the beach for an hour and it was AMAZING. I plan to spend as many days as possible there before I leave.

I'll try and update more in the next few weeks so that i don't have to just sum up everything in bullet points!!!

Reboot.

So, when I initially was planning my trip to France, I had no intention of coming back to the states until April/May. However, if my lovely friends and readers remember, my first days were, to put it nicely, rough. So, in conjunction and support of my parents, I decided I'd come home for some time over the Christmas break.

Everyone keeps asking me, why only a week? Well, I needed to come home for a bit for a mix of reasons, however I already had plans for Christmas that I was looking forward to.

I didn't tell people I was coming home for awhile because it was a really personal thing and, along with having some obligations to take care of, I also wasn't sure how I needed/wanted to spend my time at home.

I've been in Tucson since Tuesday, and I can now fully understand the extent of "there's no place like home". Instantly my plane landed (after a long and draining 33 hours of travel), and I felt like I was picking up where I left off. Everything in my room is how I left it, my cat, my dog, my family...all the same. I've spent the week catching up with people and spending as much time as possible with my family (and also enjoying delicious Mexican food).

I have been greeted with such warm welcomings that it may be even harder to leave this time than the first. I have such amazingly wonderful people in my life and I only wish I had decided to stay here longer so I could enjoy more time with everyone.

I love my friends and family so much. I could not be more blessed with loving and warm people in my life. I've come to realize half of the reason I love salsa so much is the awesome people. This week, I could care less about if I had bad dance nights or not, I had a blast just dancing with and being in the company of my amazing friends.

Seeing my non-salsa friends and being able to catch up as though I'd only been away for a week is so comforting and takes away so many fears that I had that I'd be forgotten.

I think the feeling of comfort and the fact that I resettled in without a hiccup comes from this weird feeling of separateness of my life in Marseille and life in Tucson. They are so completely separate that it almost feels like I dreamed my life there. I think this half of it will be different and I'll start creating links between the two since people will be visiting me in the coming months.

This trip home has made me sort of refocus. Being away from Marseille helps me put my life there in some sort of perspective. I wish I could lie and tell people I love the city, but as most people have heard, I dislike it greatly. The best thing about it is the awesome people I have met.

So, I need to remember why I wanted to come to France so much and things that I need to work on.

I need to start speaking more French, that is a fact. I think I'm going to force all of my fellow anglophones to speak French when we are together...COME ON GUYS!

I also need to meet more french people, I legitimately have more French friends in Tucson, Arizona, USA than I do in Marseille, France. This is NOT acceptable, it feels like I'd be improving my French more in Tucson at this point.

I will be traveling more in the Spring regardless if I am alone or have people, if you don't like the city you are in and can't move, then get out as much as possible. I already am planning a trip with Torie for Februray and I think I am visiting a friend in Angers the last week of January so I already have stuff to look forward to.

Eat more French food! Everyone keeps asking me what great foods I've been eating, and I respond with pasta and eggs, not ok. I am going to budget in eating some local cuisine more often or at least trying to cook more "french" food.


Here's to part two of une vie française.

The Birthday Abroad

Today I turn 23, and I am in France. I was talking to a friend last night and she asked me what I normally do on my birthday. Well, to be honest, I usually do a lot with my mom. When I was younger she would take me out of school and to lunch and as I've gotten older we either do lunch or dinner and then she spoils me. So, naturally that made this years celebration a little bit of a bummer.

That's not to say this years birthday was bad, not by any means. In fact, my friends here have gone above and beyond to make this a wonderful birthday. On Saturday, I organized a College-themed party complete with beer pong and flip cup. Although we got yelled at by some cranky French neighbors and had water poured on us, it was an excellent celebration and everyone had a blast!!! They surprised me with balloons and cupcakes when I walked in and it was wonderful.

Today I took a trip up to Aix-en-Provence and had coffee with a friend up there and then visited their art museum. It was really nice and relaxing and it was nice to just get out of the city for a day. I woke up kind of bummed out, but I think I'm ok. I feel so much love and warmth from everyone (from home and here). I can also safely say, that this years birthday is a hell of a lot better than last years and I couldn't have asked for more.

Another one down

Month two is officially complete. I can safely say that this month has come to a close a lot more easily than the first. I feel like I've been here so much longer and the weeks are absolutely flying by. Things are starting to feel more and more like home here which is wonderful. Myself and about 10 or 11 other assistants from all over the world had a Thanksgiving which definitely led to a sense of home. We did it potluck style where everyone brought something to share and we all ate far too much and sat around all afternoon drinking, snacking, and chatting and it was marvelous. It definitely took away some of the sting of being away from home for such a huge family holiday. It's like all of us have formed our own little family and it's so nice.

My birthday is a week from today and I'm not dreading it quite as much as I was last week...we'll see how it goes when the day actually gets here. This weekend should be fun; we have a boat party Friday, I am having a birthday party on Saturday, and Sunday shall be a lazy day.

I went to a giant supermarket that was a bit far, but SO worth the commute. I bought some Christmas decorations and now my apartment feels a little more festive!!! I also received some bday cards in the mail from my family so that will be nice to open :)

The obligatory Thanksgiving post

Spending the most important American holiday in a country that is NOT America is not an easy task. I gave my students lessons on thanksgiving this week and last and, while they were interested, they clearly did not get it. The French (or maybe just the Marseillais) are not the most festive group of people and they were all completely fascinated by how all out we go for holidays.

My class nearly made me cry when they asked me if I was able to go home for the holiday and remarked that they were sad for me because I couldn't.

I went to the market to pick up some celery and garlic for my attempt at thanksgiving dinner. Afterward Barbara came by to chat for a bit, which was very nice; it definitely is a blessing to have a friend so close so that I don't have to be completely alone at all times. After she left I decided to cook my dinner; while it wasn't a terrible meal, it was NOT the same. I dirtied every dish in my house to have a 15 minute meal which caused some tears when I realized my stuffing was NOWHERE near my mom's.

However, I did somehow make some homemade gravy and I did do SOME sort of stuffing. I also purchased a little strawberry tart from the bakery downstairs which was phenomenal.

I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life everywhere in the world. I miss everyone in Tucson so dearly and I am counting down the days until I can see them again. I miss my dear Victoria in Korea who is in a similar situation to me and I am thankful for her empathy and that we can be there for one another. I am thankful for everyone I have met her in France and I am so glad that they are fun and supportive and keep me going from day to day.

One Month down

So I have officially been in Marseille for one month! I'm kind of in shock about that. This is officially the longest time I've been away from Tucson since I have lived there.

I feel like I have grown up SO much when I think back to my first few days here and that seems so long ago. It's weird to think about how much I've learned in such a short.

I am doing A LOT better. I still feel homesick everyday but it's getting to be more bearable and and I'm starting to find things I enjoy here. I read an article about how, in order to train yourself to do new things and break bad habits you need to do things that make you uncomfortable and I feel like everything I do here borders making me uncomfortable so I think that is doing me some good.

Last night I dragged 3 other assistants along to a couchsurfing meetup (honestly mostly because I was nervous about going by myself since the only other CS stuff i've done I've had my partner in crime, Victoria...sorry guys you were just pawns for me :p) HOWEVER, they LOVED it and that makes me so happy! It was such a fun meet up and we met great people. We are all going next week and I am SO excited to get more involved in CS while I am here. It definitely gives me more "purpose" being here of sorts.

I'm also looking into going into a graduate program in French when I return home. More to come on this soon after more research.... I will be posting a blog entry on this with pros/cons/etc.


I think that's all I got right now!

Field Notes: French Toast

So seeing as I haven't been paid yet and I am running low on funds I will not  be going to the grocery store until next week unless things get completely dire. This will either prove to be a very creative experience or a boring one.

I attempted my French Toast this morning:

• 1 Egg
• 1 tsp sugar
• dash of salt
• 1/4 cup milk

It wasn't horrible, I should have soaked the bread a little bit longer in the egg mixture, I also need some vanilla extract and maybe brown sugar I will have to see how expensive it is here so I may have to make-do without. They also were lacking syrup, however that's not a must because I added some jam and nutella (nutella will definitely be my downfall here) and they tasted fine.

I bought some middle eastern cinnamon, which is kind of weird. I'm not sure if it's just different or if it's more for spices so I tried a little of it on a piece  of the french toast and it wasnt bad. I might play around with that a bit more.

I also tried to mix some nutella in half of the batter but that failed ahaha further experimentation for that to follow as well!

Culture Shock Take 2.

Here is a video I found on culture shock. It's pretty similar to the article I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way this guy articulates what he's saying. I feel like he is reading entries from my personal journal.

It makes me feel better to know that everything I am feeling is normal. When I knew I was leaving, I figured I'd be homesick, and miss my family and have a hard time adjusting to taking care of myself. I, however, never accounted for this phenomenon of culture shock. I mean, I've visited France before and I loved it! I visited the exact area I am in before...and I LOVED it.

So of course, living here would be a DREAM. I'd speak french and sip espresso, I'd go to open air markets and dress in chic winter clothes and roam the streets like a dignified French woman. I'd have my adorable french apartment with awesome french roommates who would be my instant best friends. I would go salsa dancing nightly and dance with the best of the best and come back to Tucson being the best dancer ever.

When I got here and realized that everything I expected was NOT as it was, well I kind of lost it. Not to mention that the fact that I was leaving all my friends, all my family, all these amazing relationships I had cultivated in Tucson. The realization of leaving didn't hit me until a week before I left and I was a wreck from that my entire way here, so that coupled with how much Marseille was NOT the French dream I built up in my brain, and this idea of culture shock...well it was too much to handle.

I really am doing a lot better, and watching this video, and realizing that it's normal to still feel homesick and still wake up and just want to lay in bed all day, cry, and then pack up my bags and board the first plane home, is actually very comforting.

 

 

A bit of focus

So I'm in a weird place. I've reached this strange stage where I am still homesick and want to go home but I WANT to be able to enjoy it here. I'm going to try really hard to be more positive. If I focus on the good things, then the bad won't seem as bad, right?

So I need some goals. I've kind of mentally set some goals for myself but I think it will be good if I use this blog to focus on those things some more.


Goal 1: Spend less time attached to cellphone

This is a picture that was taken shortly before I left for France. Basically I have been GLUED to my phone since I've had one. I intended to get a data plan for my cell phone but I feel like I don't need to be spending the money to be connected to facebook 24/7. Also, I really don't want to risk my phone getting stolen so if I'm going out and I'm not meeting someone somewhere I leave it at home. My goal is to not let my phone be my tether when I go back to the states. 

Goal 2: Learn to Cook

I'm having a lot of fun of learning how to cook for myself and trying new recipes. There's a great market right down the street from me that has fruits and veggies for CHEAP. I need to reduce my carb/sugar intake for sure. I've been eating a bit too indulgently since I've been settled and I need to settle because I definitely would like to benefit from all this extra walking and lose a few lbs/get into better shape. 

I also want to expand my recipe database. I am definitely my mother's daughter and I love kitchen supplies/cooking stuff so this should be fun. I currently have a lot of...random...food. And I am broke. So, until my supply of randomness is depleted I will be focusing on cooking with said ingredients. 

The above is my first attempt at crepes. They turned out decent enough, but since I am in france and I am big on making my own personal recipes, I feel the need to tweak it until it is the best I can find. I've decided that some of my posts will take a Julie/Julia approach and I will discuss my adventures in cooking.

Thus far my three favorite meals I have made are: Crepes with nutella (mmmmmm), Couscous with curry and tons of vegitables (Never knew I loved couscous so much...I will definitely be playing around with that more often), and tonight I made a breaded turkey breast fillet which I used some crumbled cereal with the flour to coat it....YUM (this one again will be using some tweaking so that it has a more personal touch).

Some basic recipes I have used so far are: (Keep in mind I have no measuring cups or utensils so I am literally using a cup which I assume is 8oz and my "table" and "Tea" spoons....it's worked out so far though so I can't complain too much!

Crepes

• (just over) 1/4 cup of all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tbsp of melted butter
• 3/4 cups of skim milk
• 1 egg
• dash of salt

This yield's about 3-4 crepes...I basically reduce every recipe I find the what I assume will be more or less single serving.

I think they need a bit of sugar in them, just for flavor. also I bought some "oriental" (which here refers to middle east and is somewhat confusing to me even though it shouldn't be haha) cinnamon so I'm going to try and add some of that in it.

I tried making them this morning with oil instead of butter in order for them to be somewhat healthier, but that did NOT work. The crepes took forever to cook and were greasy and not flimsy, they also didn't have very much flavor!

Couscous with Curry

• 3/4 cup couscous
• 1 1/2 cups water
• dash of salt
• 2 teaspoons-ish (to taste) of curry powder

Couscous is EASY to make. The first time I tried to make this it came out pretty bland. The next time I made my own chicken/vegetable stock which was AWESOME. I have made 3 full meals out of that stock!
For that I used:

• Zucchini 
• Some form of chile pepper I got at the market
• Carrots
• Onions
• Garlic

I also boiled in some chicken breast in it which added so much flavor to the stock. I used the rest of it with some rice and curry the next day which was wonderful.

Tonight's turkey I soaked it in some egg then, for the coating I mixed flour, corn flakes, and salt and pepper. The turkey was SO juicy and succulent. I tried to do some lemon garlic butter pasta on the side but i added WAY too much lemon!

From here on out I will be photographing and detailing my cooking adventures here as well as my daily life adjusting to France!

I need to figure out some desserts that I can make stove top...or see if I can b.s. some sort of baked goods because I MISS making cakes and cookies.

Missing Suburbia

So I think part of the reason I'm having problems adjusting to Marseille is, frankly, I am made for suburbia. I went to Ikea twice this week and it is in a more suburban area, where there are houses, and shopping malls, and tons of wide open space.

I never thought living downtown would be so displeasing for me!

Being around all these huge, old, buildings is fantastic and all.

 

However, it's SO dirty. I miss my HOUSE. I miss my CAR. I miss Target, I miss the malls. I miss the desert and the mountains. Part of me wishes I lived closer to my school because that is a more suburban area. However, in reality, suburbia is only great when you have a car. I would have NO social life if I lived up there and I keep trying to remind myself of that.

I don't know what Paris had that Marseille doesn't. Maybe the fact that I wasn't there completely alone...or maybe something else. I want Marseille to give me butterflies the way I get when I see art, or images from Paris.

There IS a contemporary art museum here so I would like to go there maybe this weekend. I would like to go to Paris and see if it still has the charm that I thought it had two years ago.

I don't know. I need to find my niche in this city because I do NOT like it and I do not want to spend the next 6 months so miserable.

I don't wanna grow up...

My google searches this week consist of:

• Recipes with xyz ingredients 
• How to plan a budget
• How to handwash clothes

My activities this week consisted of:

• Assembling a set of drawers from Ikea
• Mopping an apartment
• Writing lesson plans

On Friday, I was feeling kind of bummed so I made a trip to a store that I heard had sheets. What I stumbled into was an equivalent of a dollar store mixed with walmart. It felt like a dollar store, but had everything walmart would have. I have never been so excited to see mops, brooms, bedsheets and appliances. I almost bought a hand blender but I realized I didn't need it...but boy did I want that hand blender.

Saturday, I woke up early to go meet with some other assistants to watch the Rugby match between Wales and France. France won so next week will be more watching at 10 am! Hell yes. Afterward, we went to Ikea. I thought it would help me feel less homesick but it just made me miss my mom and Beth because I usually go with my mom, and I also was reminding of this trip that Beth, my mom, and myself took up there a few years ago.
I did, however, get an awesome set of drawers, which is great because I now feel like all my stuff isn't just cluttered in a closet!! ALSO I assembled it...all by myself. I had to buy a 7euro hammer (WTF?!?!) that I will probably never use again.

I'm working on lesson plans right now, hopefully my first week of teaching goes smoothly! Wish me luck!!

On a non-grown up level. I went salsa dancing on Thursday! It was SO different from what I'm used to. It was a cuban salsa night, so I was comfortable (for the most part) with many of the moves because of Rueda but it was weird doing those moves couples style. I danced with some really good dancers and they were terrible, but I was ok with it because I know it's because I'm not used to the style. I also had some REALLY good dances so that helped too. I'm going to try a Puerto Rican night and see how that feels.

I am a teacher.

So yesterday was my first day of school. It's weird to be on the other side of language acquisition classes. Most of the classes (in fact, all except one) have at least a good enough majority of students who speak English. They asked a thousand questions about me and my life and it was actually really fun.

Period 1: BTS accounting students (BTS refers to basically the equivalent of receiving your associates degree but you get it from your high school. This class was fun. It's with the teacher I was living with so I was comfortable with her. There was a group of boys who of course thought they were hot shots, every class asked me "Do you have a boyfriend?", "where do you live?", and i could them amongst themselves asking if I have facebook haha.

Period 2: Terminale students (seniors). This class was the one that spoke no english. The teacher spoke them in French and they were learning how to write a cover letter and resume. I'm not sure HOW I'm going to handle this class. I'm thinking really remedial games with tons of vocab. I don't even know.

Then I had a two hour lunch, which isn't so bad...I can use it to check email and stuff or plan if I need.

Period 3: BTS Mechanics. This class will be FUN haha it's ALL boys aged 21-23. They were absolutely smitten with me. They had really high levels of English though and were a lot of fun. I look forward to this class. One of the boys asked if I'd be willing to meet with them occasionally outside of class if they wanted to improve their English. We exchanged emails and he sent me the sweetest email saying that he hoped I understood that he really just wants to be fluent and he thinks the best way is to learn by practicing with a native speaker. I am very impressed by his determination and I will probably agree to like an hour extra per week.

Period 4: Terminale-English reinforcement. This class should be fun. The girls were more talkative, all the other classes the girls sat silent while the boys talked up a storm. This class they are working on a Midsummer Night's Dream and I think they are actually going to put on the play which will be really fun! I'm looking forward to this as well.

Period 5: Terminale. This class was a lot of fun too. I LOVE the teacher. She is a sweetheart, I have her for 3 classes and I am so happy about that. She saw me in the hall earlier that day and like stopped me and made sure I was doing ok because they all know I've had issues finding housing. This class was FULL of energy, the teacher had to separate like groups of friends haha it was crazy. But they were fun.

Overall, french teenagers are A HANDFUL. I seriously feel like they were WAY worse behaved than students when I was in high school, but I could be wrong. They all seem really nice and hopefully if I can stay strong and I don't LET them walk all over me they wont...we will see. I have two more classes so I will update more then!

I can do this.

So, in reference to my entry on Monday, I have no entered the frustration stage of culture shock.

Settling In…To Frustration?!  

This is a difficult stage of culture shock, familiar to anyone who has lived abroad or traveled for a long time. You don’t understand gestures. You get laughed at, you horribly offend a little old lady without knowing why.

The usual response is anger. I often tell people that culture shock is is walking out the door, being greeted by a neighbor and wanting nothing more than to shout obscenities at them.
It is a visceral reaction that permeates every part of the experience, from misunderstanding shopkeepers, to losing your keys or missing the bus. Frustration comes and goes, disillusion comes on like a monsoon and the pangs of homesickness can become debilitating.

I legitimately hate this city. Granted, I haven't had a great deal of time to enjoy it, and that is probably why I hate it. A man was meowing at a girl on the metro today. Seriously?!?!

Today we had a meeting that took ALL day and was miserable. I hardly undestood a word they said and the room was so stuffy, toward the end I just got so stressed I nearly had a panic attack and myself and Becca RAN out of the building as soon as people started leaving. Stupid French Bureaucracy.

I am currently bouncing between depression, acceptance, and frustration...stimm waiting for this honeymoon stage.

In positive news, I have managed to learn how to take the metro around the city and I am working on the bus. This is officially the longest time I've been away from home without a family member and I think it's just barely starting to hit me that I have moved out of my hometown and I am in Europe.

I am praying to whatever God that will listen that I will find a suitable housing arrangement before Monday. I NEED to be settled so this can feel like some sort of home.

Solace in a McDonald's

So I'm sure everyone knows I safely made it to France. So you're probably wondering why no update?

Well to put it simply, I have been miserable and I just didn't want to talk about it.

Everyone has posted on my facebook how proud they are of me and how I better be having a blast and how they miss me and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. and I just didn't have to heart to say to them "I fucking hate everything about this and everything about this city and I am about an hour away from boarding a plane to come back home"

I've basically been a hysterical mess since my party on Saturday. Saying goodbye to the closest people in my life was SO hard. I know it's not permanent but I have this deep-rooted fear that they will forget me, or that in May things will be different and I won't click with them anymore because they changed. (I think I'm neglecting to realize the fact that I, myself, am in Europe and that I will probably change myself). I cried so much that night and woke up Sunday morning sobbing to my mom. Then the stupid battery on my cellphone died so I spent that afternoon panicking about that.

Monday morning I was in a daze. Beth came over to say goodbye and I was a mess. The rest of the day was such a blur. Airport to airport, my layovers were so short that it just breezed by. When I got on the plane from Tucson my carryon wouldn't fit in the overhead and these two men were trying to help me and when they told me I had to check it I broke down and started sobbing. The men were so nice telling me it wasnt the end of the world. Then this woman in front of me asked me if I was ok then reached back and held my hand. She was so sweet, and it really helped.

I got to France Tuesday evening and I was instantly a mess. I skyped my mom and beth and was BAWLING. The hotel was so lonely. I met up with another assistant for dinner which was nice. I woke up in the middle of the night freaked out and bawling and I called my mom sobbing. (My phone makes calls through WIFI which has been SUPER nice)

Wednesday I spent the entire day looking at apartments and was a fail. I cried all day pretty much. I was so close to packing up and coming home. I have never been so lonely in my life.

Thursday the teacher at my school picked me up so i could stay with her and i found out she had no wifi which sucked, what was i gonna do if i woke up in the middle of the night.

The next day I had my bank appointment and i found a mcdonalds by there and i ended up calling my mom hysterically crying. I did this probably 3 more times that day.

Every apartment I've looked at is horrible. I cannot live in a dark prison box for 7 months. The apartments I do like something else goes wrong. SO FRUSTRATING.

Friday I felt better at first. I went to look at two more apartments but when both failed I broke down again.

Saturday I met up with another assisstant and a couchsurfer and that helped. It helped to have people to talk to, people to express my frustrations to. That night we went up to the notre dame de la garde and it was beautiful to see the city at night. It helped to see more than just the dirty downtown area.

Sunday I felt quite a bit better. I got to talk to some good friends and the weather was gorgeous, I met up with Barbara and also another assistant Becca again and it helped so much just to vent about the program and everything to someone in person.

I think I'm starting to adjust. I just desperately need a home so I can settle. I can do without wifi and a phone for another week but goddamn I want a place to call my own.

Sorry for such negativity and for such a long entry. That's why i've put off updating so much because i dont want to be such a downer.

I just have to survive until december and it will be smooth sailing.

Aye.

Everyday closer is more and more difficult.

In many ways it feels like I'm simply going on vacation and I'll be back in 2 weeks (Victoria I now officially know how you felt).

I've cried pretty much everyday this week. Yesterday was a headache. I changed my hotel because I realized that the airport is unrealistically far from where I actually want to live. I panicked and sent out at least a dozen emails on appartager.com of people seeing about renting a place. A few responded telling me to call them, yeah I have a US number...I can't do that, so cool. I told them I'd call them when I got to France.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am. Truth be told I'm not, and I tell them that and they don't believe me. I had a decision without thinking it through. How the hell am I, a 22 year old who is just barely becoming somewhat independent, going to even be able to somewhat handle moving to a country where I barely understand the reason and don't know ANYONE?!?!?! I am so dumb.

It doesn't help that I'm the most nostalgic person ever. Everytime I drive by somewhere somewhat significant I get sad. I guess I feel like, a lot can happen in 7 months. I'm gonna come back and everyone is going to be different and nobody will have missed me (at least that's my fear). I have this, vision of myself as not being memorable. I always get shocked when someone from my past comes up to me and recognizes me. I guess it's because I've always been kinda shy and I am surprised I have made enough impact for people to remember. I dunno.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people more than they realize, that's pretty hard to think about too. I have amazing people in my life, both that I've known for years and have just met.

I hope I find my niche quickly and that I am able to adjust without being too homesick.

I can't believe I'm doing this, and I don't think I will until I am on that plane sobbing my eyes out.

One step closer

So, I just booked two nights stay in a hotel near the Marseille airport.

Everything is getting more and more real. I feel like I'm just about to go on vacation. I've never made a life change even close to this before. I've spent the last 20 years of my life in the same 20 mile radius...now here I go, 7 months completely independent. Holy crap.

You all are lucky you wont have to be around me for my first two weeks there. Expect many tears and panic.

With all that being said. I am beyond ready for this adventure.

12 days and counting.

On a lighter note...

So I'm finally feeling better from the illness that has taken over my entire summer...which has put me in a much better mood.

I'm feeling slightly less panicked about going to France, which is a plus. I feel like, for the most part, I am SO ready for a change and SO ready to leave Tucson. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to be miserable at times, I know this...however I'm sure I will adjust rapidly and the good times will outweigh the bad.

What have I gotten myself into?!?!

So today I had an epiphany...or two. When I was down by the U of A for salsa it suddenly dawned on me that I really am no longer a student there. I've kind of been waiting for this day; the day that I would realize that, after 17 straight years I was just done. Weird. Definitely weird. The last 4 years feel like they blurred by so fast.

Second realization occurred shortly after when I realized that I would soon be quitting the only job I have ever had. Another one that I knew was coming, but still equally as...whoa. As much as I have hated that place, I have grown up there and I have learned so much about people in the last 5 years. There are some people who I will miss to death and few who I cannot wait to say good riddance, I hope we never cross paths again.

Third and final realization was WTF AM I DOING?!?!?! I'm deeply questioning what I'm doing. I am up and leaving basically everything I have ever known, every ONE I have ever known for a place where I will not know anything. I hardly even speak French. I knew that this realization would come as well. I know myself, I knew that I would regret it and feel this complete urge to back out. I am someone who hates change and, unless I am forced to do something I never will. This is why I bought my plane ticket months ago, I knew that if I waited and had no definite plans I would chicken out.

I'm in too deep now to back out. I have a plane ticket, I almost have a place to live, I have my visa. This is real.

In 69 days I will be on my way to Marseille, France and probably scared out of my freakin mind. I am a planner and this entire thing is so unplanned. On one hand I am panicking and attempting to plan the crap out of the next seven months; on the other...I really don't care. I have this feeling in my gut that everything will work itself out. With everything I just said, deep down I feel OK. I know that this is right and that this is what I need to do. I am letting (to get all hippy and metaphysical for a second) the stars guide me and I am ready to just relax and enjoy the ride.

My ultimate main concern is money. I think that's where my stress comes from. I do not have enough saved and I want to be able to travel and stuff. I have some options for funds but I really need to decide if they are right. That is for another day though!

Updating.

So I received my Arrêté de Nomination (my work contract for France) about a week ago. I found out I'm going to be in the 13th arrondissement of Marseille teaching at the high school level. 


I have less than 100 days (97 to be exact) until I depart, and it still hasn't quite hit me. I'm going to Los Angeles on July 11 to get my Visa, I'm not sure if it will hit me then either. It may not be real until I start the goodbye process. 


I was actually thinking about it the other day and I had a "what the hell did I get myself into" moment. Seriously, am I crazy? I am the most codependent person I know, and here I am...flying over 5000 miles away from everyone I know and love...all by myself....am I out of my mind? 
I've been sick the last three days, and I've had my mommy by my side to pity and pamper me. What am I gonna do if I get sick in France? Who's going to take care of me?
I guess this is growing up. I guess this is taking growing up full force and not looking back. 


I know that, whatever comes of this, no matter how homesick I get, this will be a great experience for me, I need this. 


A friend of mine told me that it is important to set a travel goal, which I think I already had subconsciously without putting a name to it. My travel goal for the 7 months that I am teaching in France, is to go out salsa dancing in every country/city I visit, and also to visit one important museum in the area. As long as I keep this in mind, it will push me to meet new people, get out of my comfort zone, and to at least accomplish SOMETHING while I am over there.


That's enough rambling for the day! A bientot!