But really, are any of us real people?

April 2nd. 29 days left in France, what the hell?

When I started, I knew time would fly...but I guess I didn't realize it would go by THIS fast. The last 6 months of my life have been SUCH a blur.

Cleared out my phone today and text messages sent in September feel like they were sent yesterday.

I'm so excited for the next, I'm gonna say...3 months.

April I'm going to try and live it up and enjoy the last of the time I have here as much as I can.

May will be readjusting to a life I once knew. I feel the same as when I left Tucson, but I know that I can't be. You can't spend 7 months in a completely foreign country away from everyone you've ever known for the first time and expect to go home as though nothing has changed.

June I shall be setting off to Israel for 10 days on my birthright trip. For those of you that don't know, every person with a Jewish parent is entitled to a free guided trip to Israel before they are 26. I know several people who have done this and they have told me it was absolutely the best experience ever. I cannot wait. I'm hoping it will further this year of self-discovery.

The last two and a half weeks have been really rough. Lots of stuff has been going on and because of that I am just ready to be at home and be around my family.

However,  on the other hand, this has been SUCH a rewarding experience and I have met amazing people and I know that it won't take long for the nostalgia and the realization that I won't be able to just walk down the Vieux Port to see everyone hits.

It's been a Rollercoaster and I know I've complained about being here a lot but, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

Reboot.

So, when I initially was planning my trip to France, I had no intention of coming back to the states until April/May. However, if my lovely friends and readers remember, my first days were, to put it nicely, rough. So, in conjunction and support of my parents, I decided I'd come home for some time over the Christmas break.

Everyone keeps asking me, why only a week? Well, I needed to come home for a bit for a mix of reasons, however I already had plans for Christmas that I was looking forward to.

I didn't tell people I was coming home for awhile because it was a really personal thing and, along with having some obligations to take care of, I also wasn't sure how I needed/wanted to spend my time at home.

I've been in Tucson since Tuesday, and I can now fully understand the extent of "there's no place like home". Instantly my plane landed (after a long and draining 33 hours of travel), and I felt like I was picking up where I left off. Everything in my room is how I left it, my cat, my dog, my family...all the same. I've spent the week catching up with people and spending as much time as possible with my family (and also enjoying delicious Mexican food).

I have been greeted with such warm welcomings that it may be even harder to leave this time than the first. I have such amazingly wonderful people in my life and I only wish I had decided to stay here longer so I could enjoy more time with everyone.

I love my friends and family so much. I could not be more blessed with loving and warm people in my life. I've come to realize half of the reason I love salsa so much is the awesome people. This week, I could care less about if I had bad dance nights or not, I had a blast just dancing with and being in the company of my amazing friends.

Seeing my non-salsa friends and being able to catch up as though I'd only been away for a week is so comforting and takes away so many fears that I had that I'd be forgotten.

I think the feeling of comfort and the fact that I resettled in without a hiccup comes from this weird feeling of separateness of my life in Marseille and life in Tucson. They are so completely separate that it almost feels like I dreamed my life there. I think this half of it will be different and I'll start creating links between the two since people will be visiting me in the coming months.

This trip home has made me sort of refocus. Being away from Marseille helps me put my life there in some sort of perspective. I wish I could lie and tell people I love the city, but as most people have heard, I dislike it greatly. The best thing about it is the awesome people I have met.

So, I need to remember why I wanted to come to France so much and things that I need to work on.

I need to start speaking more French, that is a fact. I think I'm going to force all of my fellow anglophones to speak French when we are together...COME ON GUYS!

I also need to meet more french people, I legitimately have more French friends in Tucson, Arizona, USA than I do in Marseille, France. This is NOT acceptable, it feels like I'd be improving my French more in Tucson at this point.

I will be traveling more in the Spring regardless if I am alone or have people, if you don't like the city you are in and can't move, then get out as much as possible. I already am planning a trip with Torie for Februray and I think I am visiting a friend in Angers the last week of January so I already have stuff to look forward to.

Eat more French food! Everyone keeps asking me what great foods I've been eating, and I respond with pasta and eggs, not ok. I am going to budget in eating some local cuisine more often or at least trying to cook more "french" food.


Here's to part two of une vie française.

The obligatory Thanksgiving post

Spending the most important American holiday in a country that is NOT America is not an easy task. I gave my students lessons on thanksgiving this week and last and, while they were interested, they clearly did not get it. The French (or maybe just the Marseillais) are not the most festive group of people and they were all completely fascinated by how all out we go for holidays.

My class nearly made me cry when they asked me if I was able to go home for the holiday and remarked that they were sad for me because I couldn't.

I went to the market to pick up some celery and garlic for my attempt at thanksgiving dinner. Afterward Barbara came by to chat for a bit, which was very nice; it definitely is a blessing to have a friend so close so that I don't have to be completely alone at all times. After she left I decided to cook my dinner; while it wasn't a terrible meal, it was NOT the same. I dirtied every dish in my house to have a 15 minute meal which caused some tears when I realized my stuffing was NOWHERE near my mom's.

However, I did somehow make some homemade gravy and I did do SOME sort of stuffing. I also purchased a little strawberry tart from the bakery downstairs which was phenomenal.

I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life everywhere in the world. I miss everyone in Tucson so dearly and I am counting down the days until I can see them again. I miss my dear Victoria in Korea who is in a similar situation to me and I am thankful for her empathy and that we can be there for one another. I am thankful for everyone I have met her in France and I am so glad that they are fun and supportive and keep me going from day to day.

6 weeks already?

Where has time gone? I have already been in France for 6 weeks (to the date). I guess I've fallen into some semblance of a routine because I've barely even noticed how much time has passed.

I am hesitant to write about me feeling better and doing better because everytime I do, I seem to spiral back into a homesick depression.

It comes and goes in waves, which, from everything I've read and seen, is pretty normal.

I am the type of person who always looks a few steps ahead. Lately I've been finding my own place here, however, with that comes "what am i going to come may?" and I start questioning my future, what can i do to travel more, to come back to France, etc. So, instead of enjoying my time here NOW I'm looking for how I can come back. I need to stop. I've decided that after I get home from winter break I am taking every moment as it comes and not worrying about what waits for me after this.

I'm worried about money and worried about if I will be happy when I go back to Tucson, but I need to stop.

The meditation, I think helps. The best for me is when I dedicate positive energy toward those who have upset and hurt me. It's relaxing and comforting to not stew on negativity. I let people get me down and dwell on it, and I need to learn to let go.

I am in the process of planning a 2 week trip in December and it is giving me something to look forward to and be positive about.

I am really also enjoying this independence, while it sucks having to buy everything I need, it's a really empowering feeling and it's nice that, if I wanna go out until 5am on Saturday, or meet for lunch with friends on Sunday, I don't have to feel guilty or obligated to answer to someone.

One Month down

So I have officially been in Marseille for one month! I'm kind of in shock about that. This is officially the longest time I've been away from Tucson since I have lived there.

I feel like I have grown up SO much when I think back to my first few days here and that seems so long ago. It's weird to think about how much I've learned in such a short.

I am doing A LOT better. I still feel homesick everyday but it's getting to be more bearable and and I'm starting to find things I enjoy here. I read an article about how, in order to train yourself to do new things and break bad habits you need to do things that make you uncomfortable and I feel like everything I do here borders making me uncomfortable so I think that is doing me some good.

Last night I dragged 3 other assistants along to a couchsurfing meetup (honestly mostly because I was nervous about going by myself since the only other CS stuff i've done I've had my partner in crime, Victoria...sorry guys you were just pawns for me :p) HOWEVER, they LOVED it and that makes me so happy! It was such a fun meet up and we met great people. We are all going next week and I am SO excited to get more involved in CS while I am here. It definitely gives me more "purpose" being here of sorts.

I'm also looking into going into a graduate program in French when I return home. More to come on this soon after more research.... I will be posting a blog entry on this with pros/cons/etc.


I think that's all I got right now!

Culture Shock Take 2.

Here is a video I found on culture shock. It's pretty similar to the article I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way this guy articulates what he's saying. I feel like he is reading entries from my personal journal.

It makes me feel better to know that everything I am feeling is normal. When I knew I was leaving, I figured I'd be homesick, and miss my family and have a hard time adjusting to taking care of myself. I, however, never accounted for this phenomenon of culture shock. I mean, I've visited France before and I loved it! I visited the exact area I am in before...and I LOVED it.

So of course, living here would be a DREAM. I'd speak french and sip espresso, I'd go to open air markets and dress in chic winter clothes and roam the streets like a dignified French woman. I'd have my adorable french apartment with awesome french roommates who would be my instant best friends. I would go salsa dancing nightly and dance with the best of the best and come back to Tucson being the best dancer ever.

When I got here and realized that everything I expected was NOT as it was, well I kind of lost it. Not to mention that the fact that I was leaving all my friends, all my family, all these amazing relationships I had cultivated in Tucson. The realization of leaving didn't hit me until a week before I left and I was a wreck from that my entire way here, so that coupled with how much Marseille was NOT the French dream I built up in my brain, and this idea of culture shock...well it was too much to handle.

I really am doing a lot better, and watching this video, and realizing that it's normal to still feel homesick and still wake up and just want to lay in bed all day, cry, and then pack up my bags and board the first plane home, is actually very comforting.

 

 

Every week gets a bit easier

So I'm doing better. This week was a lot better than previous weeks. I realized I have to get out of the house early or I get super bummed out quick. Refreshing facebook for hours at a time when everyone back home is asleep and everyone in France is busy is NOT productive.

I've been to Ikea 3 times this week...and I can't say that I am against that.

I need to sleep more, I am not a morning person and I need to start going to bed at a reasonable enough hour that I'm not so groggy. Teaching and being mentally out of it is NOT a good combination.

I had a TERRIBLE class on Wednesday. The kids just STARED at me and didn't understand anything I said nor did they want to. I started with working on the document their teacher gave them....which they did not respond to so I was like OOOK how about...we do halloween?....*me going on my halloween lesson schpeel*...silence...stereotypes? music? movies? speak to me in french and i will translate...SOMETHING! UGH. Horrible.

My favorite class is the 21-24 year old boys. They were the most responsive and excited to be there. Granted all they do is sit there and make flirtatious comments to me....BUT at least they speak english and are attentive to me so I don't feel like I'm just wasting time. The door broke while we were in class and we got locked in and they freaked out. It was hilarious and chaotic.

Today was cool because I got to watch this arabic band play for an English class. It was really amazing and I'm glad I was there for it!

I also went to a tango lesson tonight, that was of course completely in French...and I understood most of what was going on...HOLLA. Some of the guys tried to explain things to me but I had NO idea what they were saying. One guy was super annoying because he was getting mad I was having trouble with following everything. UM ok buddy, this is my third time doing tango, the first two were crappy lessons...and this lesson is in a langauge i don't get...I'm gonna say I did pretty damn well so GET OVER IT.

Afterward I checked out some Puerto Rican salsa. I went with a fellow assistant who also went to tango and he is a ballroom dancer so he was a great lead and I kind of danced with him most, which I don't mind because...like I said he was a good lead so I had good dances. I danced with this REALLY good dancer and had such a hard time following, but it wasn't the worst dance I've ever had. Then I danced with a few beginners, which I didn't mind. I feel pretty good about dancing. Puerto Rican is definitely my style. I am NOT a cuban dancer, rueda is one thing but I need musicality and breaks and style.

All in all I think the culture shock is beginning to wear off, and I'm able to accept the fact that I'm here to stay a bit better. I found an awesome open air market and got great veggies for cheap so THAT was added to my list of "things you dont find in Tucson".

However it was very cold today and I'm not sure I'm goign to handle this winter well at all...

My blog needs more pictures because I know reading and reading is BORING. So I will try and include at least one in every post from here on out (and I updated some old ones with appropriate images)
I leave you today with an image from our mall shopping adventure....

Aye.

Everyday closer is more and more difficult.

In many ways it feels like I'm simply going on vacation and I'll be back in 2 weeks (Victoria I now officially know how you felt).

I've cried pretty much everyday this week. Yesterday was a headache. I changed my hotel because I realized that the airport is unrealistically far from where I actually want to live. I panicked and sent out at least a dozen emails on appartager.com of people seeing about renting a place. A few responded telling me to call them, yeah I have a US number...I can't do that, so cool. I told them I'd call them when I got to France.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am. Truth be told I'm not, and I tell them that and they don't believe me. I had a decision without thinking it through. How the hell am I, a 22 year old who is just barely becoming somewhat independent, going to even be able to somewhat handle moving to a country where I barely understand the reason and don't know ANYONE?!?!?! I am so dumb.

It doesn't help that I'm the most nostalgic person ever. Everytime I drive by somewhere somewhat significant I get sad. I guess I feel like, a lot can happen in 7 months. I'm gonna come back and everyone is going to be different and nobody will have missed me (at least that's my fear). I have this, vision of myself as not being memorable. I always get shocked when someone from my past comes up to me and recognizes me. I guess it's because I've always been kinda shy and I am surprised I have made enough impact for people to remember. I dunno.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people more than they realize, that's pretty hard to think about too. I have amazing people in my life, both that I've known for years and have just met.

I hope I find my niche quickly and that I am able to adjust without being too homesick.

I can't believe I'm doing this, and I don't think I will until I am on that plane sobbing my eyes out.

One step closer

So, I just booked two nights stay in a hotel near the Marseille airport.

Everything is getting more and more real. I feel like I'm just about to go on vacation. I've never made a life change even close to this before. I've spent the last 20 years of my life in the same 20 mile radius...now here I go, 7 months completely independent. Holy crap.

You all are lucky you wont have to be around me for my first two weeks there. Expect many tears and panic.

With all that being said. I am beyond ready for this adventure.

12 days and counting.