But really, are any of us real people?

April 2nd. 29 days left in France, what the hell?

When I started, I knew time would fly...but I guess I didn't realize it would go by THIS fast. The last 6 months of my life have been SUCH a blur.

Cleared out my phone today and text messages sent in September feel like they were sent yesterday.

I'm so excited for the next, I'm gonna say...3 months.

April I'm going to try and live it up and enjoy the last of the time I have here as much as I can.

May will be readjusting to a life I once knew. I feel the same as when I left Tucson, but I know that I can't be. You can't spend 7 months in a completely foreign country away from everyone you've ever known for the first time and expect to go home as though nothing has changed.

June I shall be setting off to Israel for 10 days on my birthright trip. For those of you that don't know, every person with a Jewish parent is entitled to a free guided trip to Israel before they are 26. I know several people who have done this and they have told me it was absolutely the best experience ever. I cannot wait. I'm hoping it will further this year of self-discovery.

The last two and a half weeks have been really rough. Lots of stuff has been going on and because of that I am just ready to be at home and be around my family.

However,  on the other hand, this has been SUCH a rewarding experience and I have met amazing people and I know that it won't take long for the nostalgia and the realization that I won't be able to just walk down the Vieux Port to see everyone hits.

It's been a Rollercoaster and I know I've complained about being here a lot but, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

Reboot.

So, when I initially was planning my trip to France, I had no intention of coming back to the states until April/May. However, if my lovely friends and readers remember, my first days were, to put it nicely, rough. So, in conjunction and support of my parents, I decided I'd come home for some time over the Christmas break.

Everyone keeps asking me, why only a week? Well, I needed to come home for a bit for a mix of reasons, however I already had plans for Christmas that I was looking forward to.

I didn't tell people I was coming home for awhile because it was a really personal thing and, along with having some obligations to take care of, I also wasn't sure how I needed/wanted to spend my time at home.

I've been in Tucson since Tuesday, and I can now fully understand the extent of "there's no place like home". Instantly my plane landed (after a long and draining 33 hours of travel), and I felt like I was picking up where I left off. Everything in my room is how I left it, my cat, my dog, my family...all the same. I've spent the week catching up with people and spending as much time as possible with my family (and also enjoying delicious Mexican food).

I have been greeted with such warm welcomings that it may be even harder to leave this time than the first. I have such amazingly wonderful people in my life and I only wish I had decided to stay here longer so I could enjoy more time with everyone.

I love my friends and family so much. I could not be more blessed with loving and warm people in my life. I've come to realize half of the reason I love salsa so much is the awesome people. This week, I could care less about if I had bad dance nights or not, I had a blast just dancing with and being in the company of my amazing friends.

Seeing my non-salsa friends and being able to catch up as though I'd only been away for a week is so comforting and takes away so many fears that I had that I'd be forgotten.

I think the feeling of comfort and the fact that I resettled in without a hiccup comes from this weird feeling of separateness of my life in Marseille and life in Tucson. They are so completely separate that it almost feels like I dreamed my life there. I think this half of it will be different and I'll start creating links between the two since people will be visiting me in the coming months.

This trip home has made me sort of refocus. Being away from Marseille helps me put my life there in some sort of perspective. I wish I could lie and tell people I love the city, but as most people have heard, I dislike it greatly. The best thing about it is the awesome people I have met.

So, I need to remember why I wanted to come to France so much and things that I need to work on.

I need to start speaking more French, that is a fact. I think I'm going to force all of my fellow anglophones to speak French when we are together...COME ON GUYS!

I also need to meet more french people, I legitimately have more French friends in Tucson, Arizona, USA than I do in Marseille, France. This is NOT acceptable, it feels like I'd be improving my French more in Tucson at this point.

I will be traveling more in the Spring regardless if I am alone or have people, if you don't like the city you are in and can't move, then get out as much as possible. I already am planning a trip with Torie for Februray and I think I am visiting a friend in Angers the last week of January so I already have stuff to look forward to.

Eat more French food! Everyone keeps asking me what great foods I've been eating, and I respond with pasta and eggs, not ok. I am going to budget in eating some local cuisine more often or at least trying to cook more "french" food.


Here's to part two of une vie française.

Missing Suburbia

So I think part of the reason I'm having problems adjusting to Marseille is, frankly, I am made for suburbia. I went to Ikea twice this week and it is in a more suburban area, where there are houses, and shopping malls, and tons of wide open space.

I never thought living downtown would be so displeasing for me!

Being around all these huge, old, buildings is fantastic and all.

 

However, it's SO dirty. I miss my HOUSE. I miss my CAR. I miss Target, I miss the malls. I miss the desert and the mountains. Part of me wishes I lived closer to my school because that is a more suburban area. However, in reality, suburbia is only great when you have a car. I would have NO social life if I lived up there and I keep trying to remind myself of that.

I don't know what Paris had that Marseille doesn't. Maybe the fact that I wasn't there completely alone...or maybe something else. I want Marseille to give me butterflies the way I get when I see art, or images from Paris.

There IS a contemporary art museum here so I would like to go there maybe this weekend. I would like to go to Paris and see if it still has the charm that I thought it had two years ago.

I don't know. I need to find my niche in this city because I do NOT like it and I do not want to spend the next 6 months so miserable.

Aye.

Everyday closer is more and more difficult.

In many ways it feels like I'm simply going on vacation and I'll be back in 2 weeks (Victoria I now officially know how you felt).

I've cried pretty much everyday this week. Yesterday was a headache. I changed my hotel because I realized that the airport is unrealistically far from where I actually want to live. I panicked and sent out at least a dozen emails on appartager.com of people seeing about renting a place. A few responded telling me to call them, yeah I have a US number...I can't do that, so cool. I told them I'd call them when I got to France.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am. Truth be told I'm not, and I tell them that and they don't believe me. I had a decision without thinking it through. How the hell am I, a 22 year old who is just barely becoming somewhat independent, going to even be able to somewhat handle moving to a country where I barely understand the reason and don't know ANYONE?!?!?! I am so dumb.

It doesn't help that I'm the most nostalgic person ever. Everytime I drive by somewhere somewhat significant I get sad. I guess I feel like, a lot can happen in 7 months. I'm gonna come back and everyone is going to be different and nobody will have missed me (at least that's my fear). I have this, vision of myself as not being memorable. I always get shocked when someone from my past comes up to me and recognizes me. I guess it's because I've always been kinda shy and I am surprised I have made enough impact for people to remember. I dunno.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people more than they realize, that's pretty hard to think about too. I have amazing people in my life, both that I've known for years and have just met.

I hope I find my niche quickly and that I am able to adjust without being too homesick.

I can't believe I'm doing this, and I don't think I will until I am on that plane sobbing my eyes out.

Updating.

So I received my Arrêté de Nomination (my work contract for France) about a week ago. I found out I'm going to be in the 13th arrondissement of Marseille teaching at the high school level. 


I have less than 100 days (97 to be exact) until I depart, and it still hasn't quite hit me. I'm going to Los Angeles on July 11 to get my Visa, I'm not sure if it will hit me then either. It may not be real until I start the goodbye process. 


I was actually thinking about it the other day and I had a "what the hell did I get myself into" moment. Seriously, am I crazy? I am the most codependent person I know, and here I am...flying over 5000 miles away from everyone I know and love...all by myself....am I out of my mind? 
I've been sick the last three days, and I've had my mommy by my side to pity and pamper me. What am I gonna do if I get sick in France? Who's going to take care of me?
I guess this is growing up. I guess this is taking growing up full force and not looking back. 


I know that, whatever comes of this, no matter how homesick I get, this will be a great experience for me, I need this. 


A friend of mine told me that it is important to set a travel goal, which I think I already had subconsciously without putting a name to it. My travel goal for the 7 months that I am teaching in France, is to go out salsa dancing in every country/city I visit, and also to visit one important museum in the area. As long as I keep this in mind, it will push me to meet new people, get out of my comfort zone, and to at least accomplish SOMETHING while I am over there.


That's enough rambling for the day! A bientot!