But really, are any of us real people?

April 2nd. 29 days left in France, what the hell?

When I started, I knew time would fly...but I guess I didn't realize it would go by THIS fast. The last 6 months of my life have been SUCH a blur.

Cleared out my phone today and text messages sent in September feel like they were sent yesterday.

I'm so excited for the next, I'm gonna say...3 months.

April I'm going to try and live it up and enjoy the last of the time I have here as much as I can.

May will be readjusting to a life I once knew. I feel the same as when I left Tucson, but I know that I can't be. You can't spend 7 months in a completely foreign country away from everyone you've ever known for the first time and expect to go home as though nothing has changed.

June I shall be setting off to Israel for 10 days on my birthright trip. For those of you that don't know, every person with a Jewish parent is entitled to a free guided trip to Israel before they are 26. I know several people who have done this and they have told me it was absolutely the best experience ever. I cannot wait. I'm hoping it will further this year of self-discovery.

The last two and a half weeks have been really rough. Lots of stuff has been going on and because of that I am just ready to be at home and be around my family.

However,  on the other hand, this has been SUCH a rewarding experience and I have met amazing people and I know that it won't take long for the nostalgia and the realization that I won't be able to just walk down the Vieux Port to see everyone hits.

It's been a Rollercoaster and I know I've complained about being here a lot but, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

The Birthday Abroad

Today I turn 23, and I am in France. I was talking to a friend last night and she asked me what I normally do on my birthday. Well, to be honest, I usually do a lot with my mom. When I was younger she would take me out of school and to lunch and as I've gotten older we either do lunch or dinner and then she spoils me. So, naturally that made this years celebration a little bit of a bummer.

That's not to say this years birthday was bad, not by any means. In fact, my friends here have gone above and beyond to make this a wonderful birthday. On Saturday, I organized a College-themed party complete with beer pong and flip cup. Although we got yelled at by some cranky French neighbors and had water poured on us, it was an excellent celebration and everyone had a blast!!! They surprised me with balloons and cupcakes when I walked in and it was wonderful.

Today I took a trip up to Aix-en-Provence and had coffee with a friend up there and then visited their art museum. It was really nice and relaxing and it was nice to just get out of the city for a day. I woke up kind of bummed out, but I think I'm ok. I feel so much love and warmth from everyone (from home and here). I can also safely say, that this years birthday is a hell of a lot better than last years and I couldn't have asked for more.

Another one down

Month two is officially complete. I can safely say that this month has come to a close a lot more easily than the first. I feel like I've been here so much longer and the weeks are absolutely flying by. Things are starting to feel more and more like home here which is wonderful. Myself and about 10 or 11 other assistants from all over the world had a Thanksgiving which definitely led to a sense of home. We did it potluck style where everyone brought something to share and we all ate far too much and sat around all afternoon drinking, snacking, and chatting and it was marvelous. It definitely took away some of the sting of being away from home for such a huge family holiday. It's like all of us have formed our own little family and it's so nice.

My birthday is a week from today and I'm not dreading it quite as much as I was last week...we'll see how it goes when the day actually gets here. This weekend should be fun; we have a boat party Friday, I am having a birthday party on Saturday, and Sunday shall be a lazy day.

I went to a giant supermarket that was a bit far, but SO worth the commute. I bought some Christmas decorations and now my apartment feels a little more festive!!! I also received some bday cards in the mail from my family so that will be nice to open :)

The obligatory Thanksgiving post

Spending the most important American holiday in a country that is NOT America is not an easy task. I gave my students lessons on thanksgiving this week and last and, while they were interested, they clearly did not get it. The French (or maybe just the Marseillais) are not the most festive group of people and they were all completely fascinated by how all out we go for holidays.

My class nearly made me cry when they asked me if I was able to go home for the holiday and remarked that they were sad for me because I couldn't.

I went to the market to pick up some celery and garlic for my attempt at thanksgiving dinner. Afterward Barbara came by to chat for a bit, which was very nice; it definitely is a blessing to have a friend so close so that I don't have to be completely alone at all times. After she left I decided to cook my dinner; while it wasn't a terrible meal, it was NOT the same. I dirtied every dish in my house to have a 15 minute meal which caused some tears when I realized my stuffing was NOWHERE near my mom's.

However, I did somehow make some homemade gravy and I did do SOME sort of stuffing. I also purchased a little strawberry tart from the bakery downstairs which was phenomenal.

I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life everywhere in the world. I miss everyone in Tucson so dearly and I am counting down the days until I can see them again. I miss my dear Victoria in Korea who is in a similar situation to me and I am thankful for her empathy and that we can be there for one another. I am thankful for everyone I have met her in France and I am so glad that they are fun and supportive and keep me going from day to day.

An update

I am in freakin' Marseille, France and I have nothing to update my blog about, what is this? I guess it's just a lot easier for me to complain than to update the positive (I'm not sure if I should laugh about this or start a serious life reevaluation...).

I was sick for a good week and a half which resulted in a relapse to which I became incredibly depressed and homesick once again. Being sick and thousands of miles away from your mommy is awful.

I'm feeling better slowly, whatever this sickness is has been passed around through all the assistants so it's just been lingering around, ugh.

I can feel myself feeling more adjusted here. Life is becoming more and more routine and as I'm getting used to life here the culture shock is gradually wearing off so that's nice. I definitely still feel homesick every single day, HOWEVER, I can safely say it's been days since I was unbearably upset.

The people here are amazing and I'm pretty sure ALL I actually do is hang out and eat, which I can't really complain about. I'm learning a lot about myself and about meeting people and whatnot which is, I guess, a big reason why I wanted to come here.

It seems as though this program is divided into two parts, divided by Christmas vacation, which is nice. This portion is the uphill battle where I'm slowly learning exactly what issues I have and need to work on, and part two I see as working out the kinks and making some lifelong choices.

I think the most difficult part of this whole thing, is the overall sense of loneliness. Again, I'm definitely happy and I LOVE all the new friends I've made, however it's just not the same as the friends who have known me for years. I miss my family like crazy and I miss my cat and dog. I miss my best friends and just being able to call them up for ice cream. My sister just participated in the El Tour de Tucson and I missed it because I'm here. Thanksgiving is gonna be really hard, really, really hard. 

There's also the whole, being in a country surrounded by overtly affectionate couples and it getting colder and feeling the need to get cozy with someone. Yeah, THAT. That's really nothing new for me though, I've never been the happiest person around winter time. Maybe being here and discovering so much new stuff will change that....we will see...

Teaching has been going well actually. I would say 90-95% of the students are great. Half the time "class" literally turns into me joking around and just chatting with the kids, which is AWESOME.

Things are slowly falling into place....

6 weeks already?

Where has time gone? I have already been in France for 6 weeks (to the date). I guess I've fallen into some semblance of a routine because I've barely even noticed how much time has passed.

I am hesitant to write about me feeling better and doing better because everytime I do, I seem to spiral back into a homesick depression.

It comes and goes in waves, which, from everything I've read and seen, is pretty normal.

I am the type of person who always looks a few steps ahead. Lately I've been finding my own place here, however, with that comes "what am i going to come may?" and I start questioning my future, what can i do to travel more, to come back to France, etc. So, instead of enjoying my time here NOW I'm looking for how I can come back. I need to stop. I've decided that after I get home from winter break I am taking every moment as it comes and not worrying about what waits for me after this.

I'm worried about money and worried about if I will be happy when I go back to Tucson, but I need to stop.

The meditation, I think helps. The best for me is when I dedicate positive energy toward those who have upset and hurt me. It's relaxing and comforting to not stew on negativity. I let people get me down and dwell on it, and I need to learn to let go.

I am in the process of planning a 2 week trip in December and it is giving me something to look forward to and be positive about.

I am really also enjoying this independence, while it sucks having to buy everything I need, it's a really empowering feeling and it's nice that, if I wanna go out until 5am on Saturday, or meet for lunch with friends on Sunday, I don't have to feel guilty or obligated to answer to someone.

Meditation.

The other article I found was a guided script for meditation.

I've felt this sudden urge and desire for spirituality since I've been in France. I think it's because I've felt so utterly lost and I have no idea how to find myself; humans seem to have this natural urge to find themselves through external sources, such as religion or simply loved ones. It's particularly hard when you displace yourself to somewhere in which you have no one, so the loved ones part becomes difficult.
Although I am making friends, it's not the same as people who know me well enough to know what to say when I'm in certain moods.

I have wanted to find a synagogue, however, that is slightly scary because I've never even been in the states! I still want to though because even though I don't quite agree with organized religion, Judaism is the one which i most closely identify with.

The church yesterday was so peaceful and calming. I'm not sure if it was just because it was quiet in there or if it was some spiritual awakening that I had...I will have to explore this more while I am here.

So, after reading the meditation article, I gave it a try. I am going to try and do it daily to decompress and see if it starts to help. Tonight's session was kind of rough and I started crying as I sent positive energy toward my loved ones (however that may be a good thing, shedding tears can be quite a strong sense of emotion right?).

So for those who want to try, here is the script:

1. Sit quietly and comfortably.
   Sit in a comfortable way but without being in a sleepy position. For example, back straight, head up, feet on the floor and your arms gently in your lap. Breathing naturally. Watch your breath going in and your breath going out. Keep focusing on your breathing for a while.
   

2. Place your attention on the area in the middle of your chest and around your heart.
   Repeat to yourself gently and softly, feeling what these words mean:
   "Love, love, love, may my heart be filled with love..."
   As you say this, if you like, bring up an image of something that you feel caring and loving towards. It may be an image of a soft, lovable dog, or the serene look on someone's face, or it might be a baby, or the feeling of the soft fur as you stroke a kitten ...

3. Experience this feeling of warmth and love through your whole body:
   Feel the sense of caring, healing and soothing. Let it wash over you and through you while you gently repeat to yourself:
   May I be well, healthy and strong
   May I be happy
   May I abide in peace
   May I feel safe and secure
   May I feel loved and cared for.
   

4. Bring into your mind someone who is important to you, someone you like and respect.
   Engulf them with this warmth and caring. See them happy and smiling:
   May you be well
   May you be happy
   May you abide in peace
   May you feel safe and secure
   May you feel loved and cared for.
   

5. Do this with someone else who is equally important, that you like and respect.
   

6. Do this with someone you barely know.
   

7. Do this with someone you got irritated/upset with today.
   

8. Do this with someone who has hurt you/you are concerned about meeting in the future.

9. Radiate the warmth and love to people around you
   ... to everyone in your suburb, in your city, in the nation, in the world: May we all be well, May we all be happy, May we all abide in peace, May we all feel safe and secure, May we all feel loved and cared for.

Bring your attention back to yourself, so the feeling fills your whole being, breathing in peacefully, breathing out peacefully, at peace with yourself and the world.

I think that this, coupled with forcing myself to stop thinking about everything I MISS at home will do me a lot of good. Once I stop thinking, "I miss X, I miss Y, I miss Z about Tucson" I need to smack myself and say, well that's great about Tucson but I am in Marseille and there are a million wonderful things here.

Positivity.

I'm fairly certain that stumbleupon is basing the pages it gives me on what I am typing into my blog, or it just eerily reads my mind. I just received two articles one how to be happy and how to meditate...hmmph.

They are actually both very awesome so I will share them with you all (and also post them for future reference).

The first one is called:

10 Ways to Be Happy, On Purpose

“He who depends on himself will attain the greatest happiness”
~Chinese Proverb

I was at a Women’s Leadership Conference about a year ago and had an “ah-ha moment”. We were all introducing ourselves and asked to share a few things to help with the process. One question left me baffled and ultimately changed my life; “What do you do to make yourself happy?”.
At the time I honestly didn’t know. I had a great job, friends, and family. I was independent, young, healthy, and yet I couldn’t figure out what made me happy. I vowed that day that I would be happy on purpose because I was tired of waiting for happiness to happen.
It’s not been an easy road, but it’s been the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever been on and I feel that I should now share what I’ve learned with others.


1.  Know Yourself

“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is nobody else who is you-er than you.”
~Dr. Seuss

How many times have we heard “no one will love you until you learn to love yourself” or “nobody knows you the way you do”?
So get to know the right-now-real you, both the good and the bad, and own it. Write down your qualities, characteristics, values, strengths, and weaknesses. What makes you happy? What drives you crazy?
The good news is that if you don’t like certain aspects of yourself right now, you have it in your control to change that. But to change something you first have to know what you’re working with. So do some serious soul-searching and figure that out!

2.  Discover who your idealized self is and start working towards that.

“Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”
~Bob Marley

The question we all got asked when we were little was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Now the question is “WHO do you want to be when you grow up?” You’ve taken a good hard look at who you are in this moment, and now is the time to figure out what’s next.
Think of the “ideal you” and start doing the things that your idealized self would be doing. There was an article on Pick The Brain a while back entitled “How To Fake It Until You Make It” in which the author, David Wright, suggests that we imagine the qualities that your idealized self has (the work it takes) and start putting them into practice.
It’s time to stop playing make-believe and to start taking action! Let’s DO this!!!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
~Dr. Seuss

3.  Be Authentic

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
~Bruce Lee

Always be true to yourself. When working towards becoming your idealized self it’s important not to lose sight of who you are in favour of who you think you should be. Don’t compromise your values, morals, or true personality. Your individuality is important! Some people live their lives trying to be more like somebody else. My question to you is this: If you’re trying to be somebody else, who’s going to be you?
There may be certain things about yourself that you’d like to change or improve upon, but be absolutely sure that you make these adjustments for yourself and for your best interest. If you change anything in your life for the sake of someone else, and it’s not really what you want, you will only become resentful and unhappy.
To be truly authentic, one must rise above the crowd and be a true individual. Find your truth; a reason for which to live and die.

“Few are those who can see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts”
~Albert Einstein

4.  Understand that you can only control yourself.

“When there are no enemies within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you”
~African Proverb

As I started my journey to being happy on purpose, I realized very quickly how little in my life was within my control. I had no power over other people; others will do, think, and feel what they want and there’s little I can do to change or even influence that. I could only manipulate my environment and the things that happened to me to a certain degree.
I started to wonder if I could control anything in my life at all and I realized that I can only control myself. More specifically I had control over my attitude and my reactions to what the world throws at me.
For example, if you lose the life of a loved-one, you are going to have feelings of grief and even despair or anger. You need the grieving process as a human being and part of being authentic is being true to your emotions; otherwise you are in denial of what you truly feel and want. You can, however, choose the attitude of “moving on” or choose to dwell on it. You can choose to react by lashing out to those around you and hiding in your room with nothing but your grief and anger for company. OR you could choose to spend time with people who will make you feel better or immerse yourself in a project or work to keep your mind off things until you start to heal.
The idea that you have such little control over life might be scary for some, but you can also choose to look at it as freeing yourself from worry. If I have no control over something, there’s no point worrying about it because I can’t change it anyways. If I have control over it then I can take action, and again I no longer have to worry because something’s being done!

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
~Maya Angelou

5.  Achieve balance in all things.

“Before Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water.”
~ Zen Buddhist Proverb

There is a Yin and Yang; everything has its opposite, and the key is harmony between them. For example you must strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness. Chose either extreme you will quickly find yourself unhappy. If you always give to others you end up being useless to everyone because no one will take care of you for you, and a person who never gives to anyone will live a lonely and unfulfilling life.
The same can be said for striking a balance between your emotions and your logic. Are you being true to your emotions (giving them validation) or are you totally absorbed in them (giving them control)? Your logic and your emotions should work together to guide you in a balanced and healthy way of living.

6.  Learn to let go.

Learn to let go of the things that are not within your control or that happened in the past. Instead embrace and work on your self-control and self-esteem. You will be more at peace with yourself and can then enjoy life despite what the world throws at you.
Ask yourself “How is this working for me?” Does it help you to feel sad or angry all the time? Is it productive and useful when you lash out when someone or something upsets you? Is it healthy to become obsessed about an issue, person, or event that you have no control over in the first place?
To let go is to fear less and love more. It means knowing that you can’t do it for someone else, that you have no control over another, and that the outcome is not in your hands. Letting go is making the most of yourself, not blaming another or trying to change them. It means caring about someone, not caring for them, and allowing another to make mistakes and be a human being. To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.

“If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew; just go right along and you’ll start happening too.”
~Dr. Seuss

7.  Give your life meaning and actively seek your inspiration.

“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.”
~Bob Marley

So many of us go around searching for the meaning of life or waiting for inspiration when really it’s within ourselves and up to us – no one will do this for you!
While at the Woman’s Leadership Conference I had the privilege of listening to our guest speaker, Canadian Olympic Gold Medalist, Clara Hughes. She shared with us that she suffers from Clinical Depression and that sometimes she gets so down in the dumps that she forces herself to ACTIVELY seek her inspirations. Clara stated that inspiration hardly ever just falls on your lap and that if you need it you have to go and find it for yourself.
Don’t look for the meaning of life; instead give your life meaning! One way that I did this for myself was by becoming a “mother” to something – I got a dog. His name is Charlie, and he’s been such a blessing for me. We’ve worked really hard on establishing a good relationship and I’ve learnt a lot being a “Pack Leader” for him. In doing what was good for Charlie (teaching him commands, working on his walking habits, regular grooming, giving him lots of love and work for him to do) I also became a better person. I learned to be more patient, how to be more assertive, and have become more active.
So go out there and find your meaning! Get inspired! Join a not-for-profit group, volunteer, get a pet, become a Big Sister or Brother, and go to some self-improvement or awareness workshops. Invest in yourself and you’ll soon reap the rewards of being content and feeling productive in your life.

8.  Focus on the positive.

“There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle”
~Albert Einstein

The expression “everything happens for a reason” annoys and upsets some people because it suggests that your path is predetermined and that The Fates or God is in charge of your life. The idea that a child dying of cancer, for example, is meant-to-be is frustrating and unfair; but the reality of it is that you have no control over your outside world. So I choose to think “in everything I have to find my own reason”. Instead of asking “why did this happen to me?” I ask myself “What positive thing can I find in this?” By focusing on the positive of any situation (and trust me if you look hard enough you’ll find it) I help keep myself positive and happy.
The good wouldn’t be as sweet without the bitterness of the bad. You go through the tough times to strengthen you for the excruciating ones to come. It’s in experiencing these tough times where you will truly be able to live with gratitude for what you have that is good.

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.”
~Bob Marley

9.  Surround yourself with like-minded people.

“A man should choose a friend who is better than himself. There are plenty of acquaintances in the world; but very few real friends”
~Chinese Proverb

Change is never easy. It’s even more difficult if the people you choose to spend time with aren’t the “right people”. Just ask someone who’s had to kick a bad habit (smoking, drinking, drugs, junk food, etc.) what it’s like being around people who haven’t quit or cut back yet. It’s easy to fall back into your old habits because they come with a certain comfort. It’s the same when you’re trying to be positive and happy and surrounding yourself with people who are negative and miserable. Misery loves company right?
So surround yourself, instead, with people in whose presence you feel optimistic, happy, and vibrant. If you can’t think of one person in your life that meets this standard it’s probably a good sign that you need to find new people!
I’ve had to “weed out” people who I thought were my friends – these were the people who always seem to be gossiping, talking about negative things, and focusing on the downside of every situation. I learned to be picky about the people I spend time with and limit the amount of time and energy I spend with those who tend to be toxic to my well-being. And no, it wasn’t fun or easy doing this, but it was worthwhile because they were just bringing me down.
Sit down and write out two lists for yourself – on one side write down the names of people who give you good energy and on the other side write down those who more often take your energy. Then try to steer clear of those who drain you and make an effort to spend more time with those who motivate you and are positive.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.”
~Dr. Seuss

10. Keep going

“If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I was watching Firefly (2002-2003 TV series) and there was a saying that a few soldiers shared that was an even better version (I think anyway) of the Martin Luther King Jr. quote: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl you find someone to carry you”.
Sometimes you can’t do it on your own. But you can’t just stop either. I went and talked to my doctor about my depression when it got so bad that nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I talked to my friends and family about it and found support and love when I did. I got the help I needed when I could no longer do it on my own and it’s made all the difference in the world.
I’m proud to announce that I am doing much better now. I know what makes me happy and I do it for myself. I am purposely happy every day, even when it’s rainy and cold and everything seems to be going wrong.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
~Albert Einstein

 Source

Honeymoon Phase

This weekend has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. Ever since my last entry I got a burst of homesickness and I was so depressed and negative.

Friday night we went to see a friend of one assistant's roommate play a show. It was really good actually, he played a lot of covers and some originals. However, all the songs were basically about being ridiculously happy and in love, mixed in with a song about being homesick. THANKS. I left feeling pretty depressed and lonely.

We hung out with some other assistants by the port (Friday tradition). Then when I came home, as I was climbing up my stairs to bed I took fell off the third or fourth step HARD and hurt my right arm, right leg a bit, and I have completely messed up my left knee which has been causing me problems for the last 6 months.

This incident, in general, sucks when you live in a town where you basically have to walk everywhere. Now let's couple that with the fact that I am a salsa dancing addict and this is not good whatsoever.

Saturday I was super depressed because I felt like crap and was in serious pain and all I wanted was my mom to come take care of me. I also received a few letters from home on Saturday. I felt like I was on survivor or big brother and I just won a contest and got to hear from home. I started bawling when I read the letters and I don't even know why because I have been able to text, skype, or call my mom everyday since I've been here so it's not like I've been out of contact!

So Saturday night there was a salsa party that one of my friends invited me to. I was considering texting him and telling him I couldn't go because of my injury but I decided I needed to go. I went over to his place for dinner where I watched him and his friend transform from vampire to pirate. The pirate friend was practically having a breakdown because his costume wasn't scary enough when I tried to explain that in the US your costume doesn't have to be scary, but he didn't get it.

I spoke so much french and was able to, for the second time this week, hold a complete conversation in french. It feels pretty good, and as we left for salsa I was already starting to cheer up.

I didn't dance very much because of my knee. I danced with the group that I came with which, honestly was fine. I had some great dances, and when I wasn't dancing I was watching other good dancers to try and get tips (it helped and it helped me appreciate cuban style salsa a lot more). I had a blast and I am really hoping that my leg heals quickly so I am able to go out by Tuesday or Thursday. It seriously cheered me up so much.

This morning I woke up to realize that daylight savings time had ended. For the first time in my life I have gotten to experience changing my clocks/having my clocks change and let me say I was completely tripped out this morning. I wasn't exactly sure what time it was and how much sleep I really got, but I am excited either way



















I talked to another assistant who lives in my flat and we decided to meet up for some coffee and some exploring. It was nice to debrief on our evenings and just relax. After we had our coffee we decided to wander around the port a bit. There's a weekly market there on Sundays and I saw so many things that I want to buy for family back home and I am SO excited about it.

We stumbled upon Cathédrale Sainte-Marie-Majeure de Marseille. A byzantine cathedral tucked away into the 2eme arrondissemnt just off the port. The cathedral honestly wasn't anything that special, however that being said it was still one of the most gorgeous things I've seen in Marseille and it reminded me why I wanted to come to France. I am not catholic at all, however, being in the church I had a truly spiritual moment. I just felt completely at peace, it was so quiet and pleasant, it's crazy to think we were less than 10 minutes from the bustling city center and yet so far removed. I definitely plan on going back there when I'm feeling down.

One Month down

So I have officially been in Marseille for one month! I'm kind of in shock about that. This is officially the longest time I've been away from Tucson since I have lived there.

I feel like I have grown up SO much when I think back to my first few days here and that seems so long ago. It's weird to think about how much I've learned in such a short.

I am doing A LOT better. I still feel homesick everyday but it's getting to be more bearable and and I'm starting to find things I enjoy here. I read an article about how, in order to train yourself to do new things and break bad habits you need to do things that make you uncomfortable and I feel like everything I do here borders making me uncomfortable so I think that is doing me some good.

Last night I dragged 3 other assistants along to a couchsurfing meetup (honestly mostly because I was nervous about going by myself since the only other CS stuff i've done I've had my partner in crime, Victoria...sorry guys you were just pawns for me :p) HOWEVER, they LOVED it and that makes me so happy! It was such a fun meet up and we met great people. We are all going next week and I am SO excited to get more involved in CS while I am here. It definitely gives me more "purpose" being here of sorts.

I'm also looking into going into a graduate program in French when I return home. More to come on this soon after more research.... I will be posting a blog entry on this with pros/cons/etc.


I think that's all I got right now!

Culture Shock Take 2.

Here is a video I found on culture shock. It's pretty similar to the article I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way this guy articulates what he's saying. I feel like he is reading entries from my personal journal.

It makes me feel better to know that everything I am feeling is normal. When I knew I was leaving, I figured I'd be homesick, and miss my family and have a hard time adjusting to taking care of myself. I, however, never accounted for this phenomenon of culture shock. I mean, I've visited France before and I loved it! I visited the exact area I am in before...and I LOVED it.

So of course, living here would be a DREAM. I'd speak french and sip espresso, I'd go to open air markets and dress in chic winter clothes and roam the streets like a dignified French woman. I'd have my adorable french apartment with awesome french roommates who would be my instant best friends. I would go salsa dancing nightly and dance with the best of the best and come back to Tucson being the best dancer ever.

When I got here and realized that everything I expected was NOT as it was, well I kind of lost it. Not to mention that the fact that I was leaving all my friends, all my family, all these amazing relationships I had cultivated in Tucson. The realization of leaving didn't hit me until a week before I left and I was a wreck from that my entire way here, so that coupled with how much Marseille was NOT the French dream I built up in my brain, and this idea of culture shock...well it was too much to handle.

I really am doing a lot better, and watching this video, and realizing that it's normal to still feel homesick and still wake up and just want to lay in bed all day, cry, and then pack up my bags and board the first plane home, is actually very comforting.

 

 

A bit of focus

So I'm in a weird place. I've reached this strange stage where I am still homesick and want to go home but I WANT to be able to enjoy it here. I'm going to try really hard to be more positive. If I focus on the good things, then the bad won't seem as bad, right?

So I need some goals. I've kind of mentally set some goals for myself but I think it will be good if I use this blog to focus on those things some more.


Goal 1: Spend less time attached to cellphone

This is a picture that was taken shortly before I left for France. Basically I have been GLUED to my phone since I've had one. I intended to get a data plan for my cell phone but I feel like I don't need to be spending the money to be connected to facebook 24/7. Also, I really don't want to risk my phone getting stolen so if I'm going out and I'm not meeting someone somewhere I leave it at home. My goal is to not let my phone be my tether when I go back to the states. 

Goal 2: Learn to Cook

I'm having a lot of fun of learning how to cook for myself and trying new recipes. There's a great market right down the street from me that has fruits and veggies for CHEAP. I need to reduce my carb/sugar intake for sure. I've been eating a bit too indulgently since I've been settled and I need to settle because I definitely would like to benefit from all this extra walking and lose a few lbs/get into better shape. 

I also want to expand my recipe database. I am definitely my mother's daughter and I love kitchen supplies/cooking stuff so this should be fun. I currently have a lot of...random...food. And I am broke. So, until my supply of randomness is depleted I will be focusing on cooking with said ingredients. 

The above is my first attempt at crepes. They turned out decent enough, but since I am in france and I am big on making my own personal recipes, I feel the need to tweak it until it is the best I can find. I've decided that some of my posts will take a Julie/Julia approach and I will discuss my adventures in cooking.

Thus far my three favorite meals I have made are: Crepes with nutella (mmmmmm), Couscous with curry and tons of vegitables (Never knew I loved couscous so much...I will definitely be playing around with that more often), and tonight I made a breaded turkey breast fillet which I used some crumbled cereal with the flour to coat it....YUM (this one again will be using some tweaking so that it has a more personal touch).

Some basic recipes I have used so far are: (Keep in mind I have no measuring cups or utensils so I am literally using a cup which I assume is 8oz and my "table" and "Tea" spoons....it's worked out so far though so I can't complain too much!

Crepes

• (just over) 1/4 cup of all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tbsp of melted butter
• 3/4 cups of skim milk
• 1 egg
• dash of salt

This yield's about 3-4 crepes...I basically reduce every recipe I find the what I assume will be more or less single serving.

I think they need a bit of sugar in them, just for flavor. also I bought some "oriental" (which here refers to middle east and is somewhat confusing to me even though it shouldn't be haha) cinnamon so I'm going to try and add some of that in it.

I tried making them this morning with oil instead of butter in order for them to be somewhat healthier, but that did NOT work. The crepes took forever to cook and were greasy and not flimsy, they also didn't have very much flavor!

Couscous with Curry

• 3/4 cup couscous
• 1 1/2 cups water
• dash of salt
• 2 teaspoons-ish (to taste) of curry powder

Couscous is EASY to make. The first time I tried to make this it came out pretty bland. The next time I made my own chicken/vegetable stock which was AWESOME. I have made 3 full meals out of that stock!
For that I used:

• Zucchini 
• Some form of chile pepper I got at the market
• Carrots
• Onions
• Garlic

I also boiled in some chicken breast in it which added so much flavor to the stock. I used the rest of it with some rice and curry the next day which was wonderful.

Tonight's turkey I soaked it in some egg then, for the coating I mixed flour, corn flakes, and salt and pepper. The turkey was SO juicy and succulent. I tried to do some lemon garlic butter pasta on the side but i added WAY too much lemon!

From here on out I will be photographing and detailing my cooking adventures here as well as my daily life adjusting to France!

I need to figure out some desserts that I can make stove top...or see if I can b.s. some sort of baked goods because I MISS making cakes and cookies.

Every week gets a bit easier

So I'm doing better. This week was a lot better than previous weeks. I realized I have to get out of the house early or I get super bummed out quick. Refreshing facebook for hours at a time when everyone back home is asleep and everyone in France is busy is NOT productive.

I've been to Ikea 3 times this week...and I can't say that I am against that.

I need to sleep more, I am not a morning person and I need to start going to bed at a reasonable enough hour that I'm not so groggy. Teaching and being mentally out of it is NOT a good combination.

I had a TERRIBLE class on Wednesday. The kids just STARED at me and didn't understand anything I said nor did they want to. I started with working on the document their teacher gave them....which they did not respond to so I was like OOOK how about...we do halloween?....*me going on my halloween lesson schpeel*...silence...stereotypes? music? movies? speak to me in french and i will translate...SOMETHING! UGH. Horrible.

My favorite class is the 21-24 year old boys. They were the most responsive and excited to be there. Granted all they do is sit there and make flirtatious comments to me....BUT at least they speak english and are attentive to me so I don't feel like I'm just wasting time. The door broke while we were in class and we got locked in and they freaked out. It was hilarious and chaotic.

Today was cool because I got to watch this arabic band play for an English class. It was really amazing and I'm glad I was there for it!

I also went to a tango lesson tonight, that was of course completely in French...and I understood most of what was going on...HOLLA. Some of the guys tried to explain things to me but I had NO idea what they were saying. One guy was super annoying because he was getting mad I was having trouble with following everything. UM ok buddy, this is my third time doing tango, the first two were crappy lessons...and this lesson is in a langauge i don't get...I'm gonna say I did pretty damn well so GET OVER IT.

Afterward I checked out some Puerto Rican salsa. I went with a fellow assistant who also went to tango and he is a ballroom dancer so he was a great lead and I kind of danced with him most, which I don't mind because...like I said he was a good lead so I had good dances. I danced with this REALLY good dancer and had such a hard time following, but it wasn't the worst dance I've ever had. Then I danced with a few beginners, which I didn't mind. I feel pretty good about dancing. Puerto Rican is definitely my style. I am NOT a cuban dancer, rueda is one thing but I need musicality and breaks and style.

All in all I think the culture shock is beginning to wear off, and I'm able to accept the fact that I'm here to stay a bit better. I found an awesome open air market and got great veggies for cheap so THAT was added to my list of "things you dont find in Tucson".

However it was very cold today and I'm not sure I'm goign to handle this winter well at all...

My blog needs more pictures because I know reading and reading is BORING. So I will try and include at least one in every post from here on out (and I updated some old ones with appropriate images)
I leave you today with an image from our mall shopping adventure....

One More

Victoria sent me an article today and these are some parts that hit home hardest:

Culture shock.You’re lost, standing baffled in new surroundings with a heavy pack on your shoulders, unable to tell left from right, up from down, phone booths from trash cans or ripoff artists from friends.

But this image of sudden shock isn’t quite accurate.

In reality, culture shock is a much more nuanced phenomenon that can take months to develop and overcome. Culture shock will flip your emotions topsy-turvy. It will effect you in completely unexpected ways.

More than simply being surprised at unfamiliar social norms, weird new food or foreign modes of conversation, culture shock will impact you long after you become familiar and comfortable with the day-to-day customs of a new culture.

Culture shock tends to move through four different phases: wonder, frustration, depression and acceptance.

Of course, like all things that happen in our complicated little brains, it’s never really that simple or easy. Each of these stages take time to run their course, and how deeply one effects you is never set in stone. Even the order of these 4 stages can be unpredictable.

Depression: Feeling Stuck

Ah, the big one. We’ve all felt a little down before, but rarely when we’re so far from home.

Depression on the road is a feeling of hopelessness and longing, like nothing will ever be OK again until you hop on that plane home.

The worst part about this brand of moping is that it’s difficult to see the link to culture shock – the feeling can sometimes seems disconnected from travel, and often even homesickness. It can take the form of simple, implacable malaise.

It’s hard to be so far away, especially if you’re all by yourself. Frustration can bring on homesickness, but depression adds the dimension of feeling like you just have to get out.

Acceptance: Home Away From Home

Acceptance does not necessarily entail total understanding – it’s nearly impossible to ever claim complete understanding of another culture – but instead involves the realization that you don’t have to “get” it all. You find what makes you happy and content in your new surroundings.

And there lies the crux of culture shock: the bad stuff, like feeling lost, hopeless and out of place, will run its course no matter what happens.

Going The Distance

Even though you can’t avoid culture shock entirely, there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself.

The first step, of course, is to recognize that what you’re going through is culture shock. If you can come to terms with wild mood swings and sad times, and recognize they’re part of the inevitable process, it’s a lot easier to convince yourself that the bad feelings will pass. And they will.

Secondly, it’s crucial to learn the language as you go. Culture shock, at its simplest, is an inability to integrate, and the biggest barrier to that is generally language. The more able a traveler is to laugh, cry and seek solace with the locals, the easier it is to deal with ups and downs.

Though it can be one of the toughest parts of traveling, culture shock is just as integral to the experience as food, people and scenery. By recognizing it for what it is and doing your best to cope, you can easily prevent culture shock from ruining an otherwise fantastic journey.

Source

A preview of my new home

Since this blog has been a little negative, I decided to google some pictures of Marseille and to post them for everyone to see my new home for the next 7 months!

View of the Vieux Port (Old Port), I plan on living within walking distance from here because this is pretty much the downtown area.

-Look at how BLUE that water is!!

This is NOT what you see when you see an aerial view of Tucson! Small town girl, meet big city life.

The only picture I can find of my actual school.

 

Le Stade Velodrome.

The football (soccer) stadium in Marseille. I definitely want to try and catch a match at sometime in my 7 months there. It would be wrong of me to not!

 

Google seems pretty scarce on photos of Marseille, or they're all the same view of the sea! I will take a ton as soon as I get there and post them!

Time's a-tickin'.

So it is officially less than 2 weeks until I leave. Time is flying!

Sunday was my last salsa social, which was a sort of jumpstart to the goodbye process. I think everything hit me then. The last week has been rough; it seemed like everything was crumbling before me and I was convinced that I had made the worst decision ever.

I still don't have anywhere to live, but I think I have a plan so that is a huge relief. I'm going to stay in a hotel close to the airport for at least the first night or two so that I'm not trying to navigate the metro (which is COMPLETELY foreign to me) while exhausted and stressed and probably really sad.

With all that said, I think I'm ok with going. There is going to be SO much that I will miss here. Ritmos looks like it's going to be so solid and so good and I am so sad I'm going to miss this semester...but I can't wait to come back in the spring and see all the progress these beginners have made.

I'm going to miss all my friends (old and new) beyond belief but I know we will cross paths again one day.

Everytime I see a video or something set in France I get butterflies. I was looking at hotels in Marseille and they had the most gorgeous pictures of the sea I have ever seen and I still refuse to believe that that will be home for at least the next 7 months. Man, I am a very lucky girl.

On a lighter note...

So I'm finally feeling better from the illness that has taken over my entire summer...which has put me in a much better mood.

I'm feeling slightly less panicked about going to France, which is a plus. I feel like, for the most part, I am SO ready for a change and SO ready to leave Tucson. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to be miserable at times, I know this...however I'm sure I will adjust rapidly and the good times will outweigh the bad.