Culture Shock Take 2.

Here is a video I found on culture shock. It's pretty similar to the article I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way this guy articulates what he's saying. I feel like he is reading entries from my personal journal.

It makes me feel better to know that everything I am feeling is normal. When I knew I was leaving, I figured I'd be homesick, and miss my family and have a hard time adjusting to taking care of myself. I, however, never accounted for this phenomenon of culture shock. I mean, I've visited France before and I loved it! I visited the exact area I am in before...and I LOVED it.

So of course, living here would be a DREAM. I'd speak french and sip espresso, I'd go to open air markets and dress in chic winter clothes and roam the streets like a dignified French woman. I'd have my adorable french apartment with awesome french roommates who would be my instant best friends. I would go salsa dancing nightly and dance with the best of the best and come back to Tucson being the best dancer ever.

When I got here and realized that everything I expected was NOT as it was, well I kind of lost it. Not to mention that the fact that I was leaving all my friends, all my family, all these amazing relationships I had cultivated in Tucson. The realization of leaving didn't hit me until a week before I left and I was a wreck from that my entire way here, so that coupled with how much Marseille was NOT the French dream I built up in my brain, and this idea of culture shock...well it was too much to handle.

I really am doing a lot better, and watching this video, and realizing that it's normal to still feel homesick and still wake up and just want to lay in bed all day, cry, and then pack up my bags and board the first plane home, is actually very comforting.

 

 

I can do this.

So, in reference to my entry on Monday, I have no entered the frustration stage of culture shock.

Settling In…To Frustration?!  

This is a difficult stage of culture shock, familiar to anyone who has lived abroad or traveled for a long time. You don’t understand gestures. You get laughed at, you horribly offend a little old lady without knowing why.

The usual response is anger. I often tell people that culture shock is is walking out the door, being greeted by a neighbor and wanting nothing more than to shout obscenities at them.
It is a visceral reaction that permeates every part of the experience, from misunderstanding shopkeepers, to losing your keys or missing the bus. Frustration comes and goes, disillusion comes on like a monsoon and the pangs of homesickness can become debilitating.

I legitimately hate this city. Granted, I haven't had a great deal of time to enjoy it, and that is probably why I hate it. A man was meowing at a girl on the metro today. Seriously?!?!

Today we had a meeting that took ALL day and was miserable. I hardly undestood a word they said and the room was so stuffy, toward the end I just got so stressed I nearly had a panic attack and myself and Becca RAN out of the building as soon as people started leaving. Stupid French Bureaucracy.

I am currently bouncing between depression, acceptance, and frustration...stimm waiting for this honeymoon stage.

In positive news, I have managed to learn how to take the metro around the city and I am working on the bus. This is officially the longest time I've been away from home without a family member and I think it's just barely starting to hit me that I have moved out of my hometown and I am in Europe.

I am praying to whatever God that will listen that I will find a suitable housing arrangement before Monday. I NEED to be settled so this can feel like some sort of home.

One More

Victoria sent me an article today and these are some parts that hit home hardest:

Culture shock.You’re lost, standing baffled in new surroundings with a heavy pack on your shoulders, unable to tell left from right, up from down, phone booths from trash cans or ripoff artists from friends.

But this image of sudden shock isn’t quite accurate.

In reality, culture shock is a much more nuanced phenomenon that can take months to develop and overcome. Culture shock will flip your emotions topsy-turvy. It will effect you in completely unexpected ways.

More than simply being surprised at unfamiliar social norms, weird new food or foreign modes of conversation, culture shock will impact you long after you become familiar and comfortable with the day-to-day customs of a new culture.

Culture shock tends to move through four different phases: wonder, frustration, depression and acceptance.

Of course, like all things that happen in our complicated little brains, it’s never really that simple or easy. Each of these stages take time to run their course, and how deeply one effects you is never set in stone. Even the order of these 4 stages can be unpredictable.

Depression: Feeling Stuck

Ah, the big one. We’ve all felt a little down before, but rarely when we’re so far from home.

Depression on the road is a feeling of hopelessness and longing, like nothing will ever be OK again until you hop on that plane home.

The worst part about this brand of moping is that it’s difficult to see the link to culture shock – the feeling can sometimes seems disconnected from travel, and often even homesickness. It can take the form of simple, implacable malaise.

It’s hard to be so far away, especially if you’re all by yourself. Frustration can bring on homesickness, but depression adds the dimension of feeling like you just have to get out.

Acceptance: Home Away From Home

Acceptance does not necessarily entail total understanding – it’s nearly impossible to ever claim complete understanding of another culture – but instead involves the realization that you don’t have to “get” it all. You find what makes you happy and content in your new surroundings.

And there lies the crux of culture shock: the bad stuff, like feeling lost, hopeless and out of place, will run its course no matter what happens.

Going The Distance

Even though you can’t avoid culture shock entirely, there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself.

The first step, of course, is to recognize that what you’re going through is culture shock. If you can come to terms with wild mood swings and sad times, and recognize they’re part of the inevitable process, it’s a lot easier to convince yourself that the bad feelings will pass. And they will.

Secondly, it’s crucial to learn the language as you go. Culture shock, at its simplest, is an inability to integrate, and the biggest barrier to that is generally language. The more able a traveler is to laugh, cry and seek solace with the locals, the easier it is to deal with ups and downs.

Though it can be one of the toughest parts of traveling, culture shock is just as integral to the experience as food, people and scenery. By recognizing it for what it is and doing your best to cope, you can easily prevent culture shock from ruining an otherwise fantastic journey.

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Solace in a McDonald's

So I'm sure everyone knows I safely made it to France. So you're probably wondering why no update?

Well to put it simply, I have been miserable and I just didn't want to talk about it.

Everyone has posted on my facebook how proud they are of me and how I better be having a blast and how they miss me and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. and I just didn't have to heart to say to them "I fucking hate everything about this and everything about this city and I am about an hour away from boarding a plane to come back home"

I've basically been a hysterical mess since my party on Saturday. Saying goodbye to the closest people in my life was SO hard. I know it's not permanent but I have this deep-rooted fear that they will forget me, or that in May things will be different and I won't click with them anymore because they changed. (I think I'm neglecting to realize the fact that I, myself, am in Europe and that I will probably change myself). I cried so much that night and woke up Sunday morning sobbing to my mom. Then the stupid battery on my cellphone died so I spent that afternoon panicking about that.

Monday morning I was in a daze. Beth came over to say goodbye and I was a mess. The rest of the day was such a blur. Airport to airport, my layovers were so short that it just breezed by. When I got on the plane from Tucson my carryon wouldn't fit in the overhead and these two men were trying to help me and when they told me I had to check it I broke down and started sobbing. The men were so nice telling me it wasnt the end of the world. Then this woman in front of me asked me if I was ok then reached back and held my hand. She was so sweet, and it really helped.

I got to France Tuesday evening and I was instantly a mess. I skyped my mom and beth and was BAWLING. The hotel was so lonely. I met up with another assistant for dinner which was nice. I woke up in the middle of the night freaked out and bawling and I called my mom sobbing. (My phone makes calls through WIFI which has been SUPER nice)

Wednesday I spent the entire day looking at apartments and was a fail. I cried all day pretty much. I was so close to packing up and coming home. I have never been so lonely in my life.

Thursday the teacher at my school picked me up so i could stay with her and i found out she had no wifi which sucked, what was i gonna do if i woke up in the middle of the night.

The next day I had my bank appointment and i found a mcdonalds by there and i ended up calling my mom hysterically crying. I did this probably 3 more times that day.

Every apartment I've looked at is horrible. I cannot live in a dark prison box for 7 months. The apartments I do like something else goes wrong. SO FRUSTRATING.

Friday I felt better at first. I went to look at two more apartments but when both failed I broke down again.

Saturday I met up with another assisstant and a couchsurfer and that helped. It helped to have people to talk to, people to express my frustrations to. That night we went up to the notre dame de la garde and it was beautiful to see the city at night. It helped to see more than just the dirty downtown area.

Sunday I felt quite a bit better. I got to talk to some good friends and the weather was gorgeous, I met up with Barbara and also another assistant Becca again and it helped so much just to vent about the program and everything to someone in person.

I think I'm starting to adjust. I just desperately need a home so I can settle. I can do without wifi and a phone for another week but goddamn I want a place to call my own.

Sorry for such negativity and for such a long entry. That's why i've put off updating so much because i dont want to be such a downer.

I just have to survive until december and it will be smooth sailing.