So I'm sure everyone knows I safely made it to France. So you're probably wondering why no update?
Well to put it simply, I have been miserable and I just didn't want to talk about it.
Everyone has posted on my facebook how proud they are of me and how I better be having a blast and how they miss me and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. and I just didn't have to heart to say to them "I fucking hate everything about this and everything about this city and I am about an hour away from boarding a plane to come back home"
I've basically been a hysterical mess since my party on Saturday. Saying goodbye to the closest people in my life was SO hard. I know it's not permanent but I have this deep-rooted fear that they will forget me, or that in May things will be different and I won't click with them anymore because they changed. (I think I'm neglecting to realize the fact that I, myself, am in Europe and that I will probably change myself). I cried so much that night and woke up Sunday morning sobbing to my mom. Then the stupid battery on my cellphone died so I spent that afternoon panicking about that.
Monday morning I was in a daze. Beth came over to say goodbye and I was a mess. The rest of the day was such a blur. Airport to airport, my layovers were so short that it just breezed by. When I got on the plane from Tucson my carryon wouldn't fit in the overhead and these two men were trying to help me and when they told me I had to check it I broke down and started sobbing. The men were so nice telling me it wasnt the end of the world. Then this woman in front of me asked me if I was ok then reached back and held my hand. She was so sweet, and it really helped.
I got to France Tuesday evening and I was instantly a mess. I skyped my mom and beth and was BAWLING. The hotel was so lonely. I met up with another assistant for dinner which was nice. I woke up in the middle of the night freaked out and bawling and I called my mom sobbing. (My phone makes calls through WIFI which has been SUPER nice)
Wednesday I spent the entire day looking at apartments and was a fail. I cried all day pretty much. I was so close to packing up and coming home. I have never been so lonely in my life.
Thursday the teacher at my school picked me up so i could stay with her and i found out she had no wifi which sucked, what was i gonna do if i woke up in the middle of the night.
The next day I had my bank appointment and i found a mcdonalds by there and i ended up calling my mom hysterically crying. I did this probably 3 more times that day.
Every apartment I've looked at is horrible. I cannot live in a dark prison box for 7 months. The apartments I do like something else goes wrong. SO FRUSTRATING.
Friday I felt better at first. I went to look at two more apartments but when both failed I broke down again.
Saturday I met up with another assisstant and a couchsurfer and that helped. It helped to have people to talk to, people to express my frustrations to. That night we went up to the notre dame de la garde and it was beautiful to see the city at night. It helped to see more than just the dirty downtown area.
Sunday I felt quite a bit better. I got to talk to some good friends and the weather was gorgeous, I met up with Barbara and also another assistant Becca again and it helped so much just to vent about the program and everything to someone in person.
I think I'm starting to adjust. I just desperately need a home so I can settle. I can do without wifi and a phone for another week but goddamn I want a place to call my own.
Sorry for such negativity and for such a long entry. That's why i've put off updating so much because i dont want to be such a downer.
I just have to survive until december and it will be smooth sailing.
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