Meditation.

The other article I found was a guided script for meditation.

I've felt this sudden urge and desire for spirituality since I've been in France. I think it's because I've felt so utterly lost and I have no idea how to find myself; humans seem to have this natural urge to find themselves through external sources, such as religion or simply loved ones. It's particularly hard when you displace yourself to somewhere in which you have no one, so the loved ones part becomes difficult.
Although I am making friends, it's not the same as people who know me well enough to know what to say when I'm in certain moods.

I have wanted to find a synagogue, however, that is slightly scary because I've never even been in the states! I still want to though because even though I don't quite agree with organized religion, Judaism is the one which i most closely identify with.

The church yesterday was so peaceful and calming. I'm not sure if it was just because it was quiet in there or if it was some spiritual awakening that I had...I will have to explore this more while I am here.

So, after reading the meditation article, I gave it a try. I am going to try and do it daily to decompress and see if it starts to help. Tonight's session was kind of rough and I started crying as I sent positive energy toward my loved ones (however that may be a good thing, shedding tears can be quite a strong sense of emotion right?).

So for those who want to try, here is the script:

1. Sit quietly and comfortably.
   Sit in a comfortable way but without being in a sleepy position. For example, back straight, head up, feet on the floor and your arms gently in your lap. Breathing naturally. Watch your breath going in and your breath going out. Keep focusing on your breathing for a while.
   

2. Place your attention on the area in the middle of your chest and around your heart.
   Repeat to yourself gently and softly, feeling what these words mean:
   "Love, love, love, may my heart be filled with love..."
   As you say this, if you like, bring up an image of something that you feel caring and loving towards. It may be an image of a soft, lovable dog, or the serene look on someone's face, or it might be a baby, or the feeling of the soft fur as you stroke a kitten ...

3. Experience this feeling of warmth and love through your whole body:
   Feel the sense of caring, healing and soothing. Let it wash over you and through you while you gently repeat to yourself:
   May I be well, healthy and strong
   May I be happy
   May I abide in peace
   May I feel safe and secure
   May I feel loved and cared for.
   

4. Bring into your mind someone who is important to you, someone you like and respect.
   Engulf them with this warmth and caring. See them happy and smiling:
   May you be well
   May you be happy
   May you abide in peace
   May you feel safe and secure
   May you feel loved and cared for.
   

5. Do this with someone else who is equally important, that you like and respect.
   

6. Do this with someone you barely know.
   

7. Do this with someone you got irritated/upset with today.
   

8. Do this with someone who has hurt you/you are concerned about meeting in the future.

9. Radiate the warmth and love to people around you
   ... to everyone in your suburb, in your city, in the nation, in the world: May we all be well, May we all be happy, May we all abide in peace, May we all feel safe and secure, May we all feel loved and cared for.

Bring your attention back to yourself, so the feeling fills your whole being, breathing in peacefully, breathing out peacefully, at peace with yourself and the world.

I think that this, coupled with forcing myself to stop thinking about everything I MISS at home will do me a lot of good. Once I stop thinking, "I miss X, I miss Y, I miss Z about Tucson" I need to smack myself and say, well that's great about Tucson but I am in Marseille and there are a million wonderful things here.

Positivity.

I'm fairly certain that stumbleupon is basing the pages it gives me on what I am typing into my blog, or it just eerily reads my mind. I just received two articles one how to be happy and how to meditate...hmmph.

They are actually both very awesome so I will share them with you all (and also post them for future reference).

The first one is called:

10 Ways to Be Happy, On Purpose

“He who depends on himself will attain the greatest happiness”
~Chinese Proverb

I was at a Women’s Leadership Conference about a year ago and had an “ah-ha moment”. We were all introducing ourselves and asked to share a few things to help with the process. One question left me baffled and ultimately changed my life; “What do you do to make yourself happy?”.
At the time I honestly didn’t know. I had a great job, friends, and family. I was independent, young, healthy, and yet I couldn’t figure out what made me happy. I vowed that day that I would be happy on purpose because I was tired of waiting for happiness to happen.
It’s not been an easy road, but it’s been the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever been on and I feel that I should now share what I’ve learned with others.


1.  Know Yourself

“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is nobody else who is you-er than you.”
~Dr. Seuss

How many times have we heard “no one will love you until you learn to love yourself” or “nobody knows you the way you do”?
So get to know the right-now-real you, both the good and the bad, and own it. Write down your qualities, characteristics, values, strengths, and weaknesses. What makes you happy? What drives you crazy?
The good news is that if you don’t like certain aspects of yourself right now, you have it in your control to change that. But to change something you first have to know what you’re working with. So do some serious soul-searching and figure that out!

2.  Discover who your idealized self is and start working towards that.

“Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”
~Bob Marley

The question we all got asked when we were little was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Now the question is “WHO do you want to be when you grow up?” You’ve taken a good hard look at who you are in this moment, and now is the time to figure out what’s next.
Think of the “ideal you” and start doing the things that your idealized self would be doing. There was an article on Pick The Brain a while back entitled “How To Fake It Until You Make It” in which the author, David Wright, suggests that we imagine the qualities that your idealized self has (the work it takes) and start putting them into practice.
It’s time to stop playing make-believe and to start taking action! Let’s DO this!!!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
~Dr. Seuss

3.  Be Authentic

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
~Bruce Lee

Always be true to yourself. When working towards becoming your idealized self it’s important not to lose sight of who you are in favour of who you think you should be. Don’t compromise your values, morals, or true personality. Your individuality is important! Some people live their lives trying to be more like somebody else. My question to you is this: If you’re trying to be somebody else, who’s going to be you?
There may be certain things about yourself that you’d like to change or improve upon, but be absolutely sure that you make these adjustments for yourself and for your best interest. If you change anything in your life for the sake of someone else, and it’s not really what you want, you will only become resentful and unhappy.
To be truly authentic, one must rise above the crowd and be a true individual. Find your truth; a reason for which to live and die.

“Few are those who can see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts”
~Albert Einstein

4.  Understand that you can only control yourself.

“When there are no enemies within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you”
~African Proverb

As I started my journey to being happy on purpose, I realized very quickly how little in my life was within my control. I had no power over other people; others will do, think, and feel what they want and there’s little I can do to change or even influence that. I could only manipulate my environment and the things that happened to me to a certain degree.
I started to wonder if I could control anything in my life at all and I realized that I can only control myself. More specifically I had control over my attitude and my reactions to what the world throws at me.
For example, if you lose the life of a loved-one, you are going to have feelings of grief and even despair or anger. You need the grieving process as a human being and part of being authentic is being true to your emotions; otherwise you are in denial of what you truly feel and want. You can, however, choose the attitude of “moving on” or choose to dwell on it. You can choose to react by lashing out to those around you and hiding in your room with nothing but your grief and anger for company. OR you could choose to spend time with people who will make you feel better or immerse yourself in a project or work to keep your mind off things until you start to heal.
The idea that you have such little control over life might be scary for some, but you can also choose to look at it as freeing yourself from worry. If I have no control over something, there’s no point worrying about it because I can’t change it anyways. If I have control over it then I can take action, and again I no longer have to worry because something’s being done!

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
~Maya Angelou

5.  Achieve balance in all things.

“Before Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment – chop wood, carry water.”
~ Zen Buddhist Proverb

There is a Yin and Yang; everything has its opposite, and the key is harmony between them. For example you must strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness. Chose either extreme you will quickly find yourself unhappy. If you always give to others you end up being useless to everyone because no one will take care of you for you, and a person who never gives to anyone will live a lonely and unfulfilling life.
The same can be said for striking a balance between your emotions and your logic. Are you being true to your emotions (giving them validation) or are you totally absorbed in them (giving them control)? Your logic and your emotions should work together to guide you in a balanced and healthy way of living.

6.  Learn to let go.

Learn to let go of the things that are not within your control or that happened in the past. Instead embrace and work on your self-control and self-esteem. You will be more at peace with yourself and can then enjoy life despite what the world throws at you.
Ask yourself “How is this working for me?” Does it help you to feel sad or angry all the time? Is it productive and useful when you lash out when someone or something upsets you? Is it healthy to become obsessed about an issue, person, or event that you have no control over in the first place?
To let go is to fear less and love more. It means knowing that you can’t do it for someone else, that you have no control over another, and that the outcome is not in your hands. Letting go is making the most of yourself, not blaming another or trying to change them. It means caring about someone, not caring for them, and allowing another to make mistakes and be a human being. To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.

“If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew; just go right along and you’ll start happening too.”
~Dr. Seuss

7.  Give your life meaning and actively seek your inspiration.

“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.”
~Bob Marley

So many of us go around searching for the meaning of life or waiting for inspiration when really it’s within ourselves and up to us – no one will do this for you!
While at the Woman’s Leadership Conference I had the privilege of listening to our guest speaker, Canadian Olympic Gold Medalist, Clara Hughes. She shared with us that she suffers from Clinical Depression and that sometimes she gets so down in the dumps that she forces herself to ACTIVELY seek her inspirations. Clara stated that inspiration hardly ever just falls on your lap and that if you need it you have to go and find it for yourself.
Don’t look for the meaning of life; instead give your life meaning! One way that I did this for myself was by becoming a “mother” to something – I got a dog. His name is Charlie, and he’s been such a blessing for me. We’ve worked really hard on establishing a good relationship and I’ve learnt a lot being a “Pack Leader” for him. In doing what was good for Charlie (teaching him commands, working on his walking habits, regular grooming, giving him lots of love and work for him to do) I also became a better person. I learned to be more patient, how to be more assertive, and have become more active.
So go out there and find your meaning! Get inspired! Join a not-for-profit group, volunteer, get a pet, become a Big Sister or Brother, and go to some self-improvement or awareness workshops. Invest in yourself and you’ll soon reap the rewards of being content and feeling productive in your life.

8.  Focus on the positive.

“There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle”
~Albert Einstein

The expression “everything happens for a reason” annoys and upsets some people because it suggests that your path is predetermined and that The Fates or God is in charge of your life. The idea that a child dying of cancer, for example, is meant-to-be is frustrating and unfair; but the reality of it is that you have no control over your outside world. So I choose to think “in everything I have to find my own reason”. Instead of asking “why did this happen to me?” I ask myself “What positive thing can I find in this?” By focusing on the positive of any situation (and trust me if you look hard enough you’ll find it) I help keep myself positive and happy.
The good wouldn’t be as sweet without the bitterness of the bad. You go through the tough times to strengthen you for the excruciating ones to come. It’s in experiencing these tough times where you will truly be able to live with gratitude for what you have that is good.

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.”
~Bob Marley

9.  Surround yourself with like-minded people.

“A man should choose a friend who is better than himself. There are plenty of acquaintances in the world; but very few real friends”
~Chinese Proverb

Change is never easy. It’s even more difficult if the people you choose to spend time with aren’t the “right people”. Just ask someone who’s had to kick a bad habit (smoking, drinking, drugs, junk food, etc.) what it’s like being around people who haven’t quit or cut back yet. It’s easy to fall back into your old habits because they come with a certain comfort. It’s the same when you’re trying to be positive and happy and surrounding yourself with people who are negative and miserable. Misery loves company right?
So surround yourself, instead, with people in whose presence you feel optimistic, happy, and vibrant. If you can’t think of one person in your life that meets this standard it’s probably a good sign that you need to find new people!
I’ve had to “weed out” people who I thought were my friends – these were the people who always seem to be gossiping, talking about negative things, and focusing on the downside of every situation. I learned to be picky about the people I spend time with and limit the amount of time and energy I spend with those who tend to be toxic to my well-being. And no, it wasn’t fun or easy doing this, but it was worthwhile because they were just bringing me down.
Sit down and write out two lists for yourself – on one side write down the names of people who give you good energy and on the other side write down those who more often take your energy. Then try to steer clear of those who drain you and make an effort to spend more time with those who motivate you and are positive.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.”
~Dr. Seuss

10. Keep going

“If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I was watching Firefly (2002-2003 TV series) and there was a saying that a few soldiers shared that was an even better version (I think anyway) of the Martin Luther King Jr. quote: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl you find someone to carry you”.
Sometimes you can’t do it on your own. But you can’t just stop either. I went and talked to my doctor about my depression when it got so bad that nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I talked to my friends and family about it and found support and love when I did. I got the help I needed when I could no longer do it on my own and it’s made all the difference in the world.
I’m proud to announce that I am doing much better now. I know what makes me happy and I do it for myself. I am purposely happy every day, even when it’s rainy and cold and everything seems to be going wrong.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
~Albert Einstein

 Source

Honeymoon Phase

This weekend has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. Ever since my last entry I got a burst of homesickness and I was so depressed and negative.

Friday night we went to see a friend of one assistant's roommate play a show. It was really good actually, he played a lot of covers and some originals. However, all the songs were basically about being ridiculously happy and in love, mixed in with a song about being homesick. THANKS. I left feeling pretty depressed and lonely.

We hung out with some other assistants by the port (Friday tradition). Then when I came home, as I was climbing up my stairs to bed I took fell off the third or fourth step HARD and hurt my right arm, right leg a bit, and I have completely messed up my left knee which has been causing me problems for the last 6 months.

This incident, in general, sucks when you live in a town where you basically have to walk everywhere. Now let's couple that with the fact that I am a salsa dancing addict and this is not good whatsoever.

Saturday I was super depressed because I felt like crap and was in serious pain and all I wanted was my mom to come take care of me. I also received a few letters from home on Saturday. I felt like I was on survivor or big brother and I just won a contest and got to hear from home. I started bawling when I read the letters and I don't even know why because I have been able to text, skype, or call my mom everyday since I've been here so it's not like I've been out of contact!

So Saturday night there was a salsa party that one of my friends invited me to. I was considering texting him and telling him I couldn't go because of my injury but I decided I needed to go. I went over to his place for dinner where I watched him and his friend transform from vampire to pirate. The pirate friend was practically having a breakdown because his costume wasn't scary enough when I tried to explain that in the US your costume doesn't have to be scary, but he didn't get it.

I spoke so much french and was able to, for the second time this week, hold a complete conversation in french. It feels pretty good, and as we left for salsa I was already starting to cheer up.

I didn't dance very much because of my knee. I danced with the group that I came with which, honestly was fine. I had some great dances, and when I wasn't dancing I was watching other good dancers to try and get tips (it helped and it helped me appreciate cuban style salsa a lot more). I had a blast and I am really hoping that my leg heals quickly so I am able to go out by Tuesday or Thursday. It seriously cheered me up so much.

This morning I woke up to realize that daylight savings time had ended. For the first time in my life I have gotten to experience changing my clocks/having my clocks change and let me say I was completely tripped out this morning. I wasn't exactly sure what time it was and how much sleep I really got, but I am excited either way



















I talked to another assistant who lives in my flat and we decided to meet up for some coffee and some exploring. It was nice to debrief on our evenings and just relax. After we had our coffee we decided to wander around the port a bit. There's a weekly market there on Sundays and I saw so many things that I want to buy for family back home and I am SO excited about it.

We stumbled upon Cathédrale Sainte-Marie-Majeure de Marseille. A byzantine cathedral tucked away into the 2eme arrondissemnt just off the port. The cathedral honestly wasn't anything that special, however that being said it was still one of the most gorgeous things I've seen in Marseille and it reminded me why I wanted to come to France. I am not catholic at all, however, being in the church I had a truly spiritual moment. I just felt completely at peace, it was so quiet and pleasant, it's crazy to think we were less than 10 minutes from the bustling city center and yet so far removed. I definitely plan on going back there when I'm feeling down.

One Month down

So I have officially been in Marseille for one month! I'm kind of in shock about that. This is officially the longest time I've been away from Tucson since I have lived there.

I feel like I have grown up SO much when I think back to my first few days here and that seems so long ago. It's weird to think about how much I've learned in such a short.

I am doing A LOT better. I still feel homesick everyday but it's getting to be more bearable and and I'm starting to find things I enjoy here. I read an article about how, in order to train yourself to do new things and break bad habits you need to do things that make you uncomfortable and I feel like everything I do here borders making me uncomfortable so I think that is doing me some good.

Last night I dragged 3 other assistants along to a couchsurfing meetup (honestly mostly because I was nervous about going by myself since the only other CS stuff i've done I've had my partner in crime, Victoria...sorry guys you were just pawns for me :p) HOWEVER, they LOVED it and that makes me so happy! It was such a fun meet up and we met great people. We are all going next week and I am SO excited to get more involved in CS while I am here. It definitely gives me more "purpose" being here of sorts.

I'm also looking into going into a graduate program in French when I return home. More to come on this soon after more research.... I will be posting a blog entry on this with pros/cons/etc.


I think that's all I got right now!

Field Notes: French Toast

So seeing as I haven't been paid yet and I am running low on funds I will not  be going to the grocery store until next week unless things get completely dire. This will either prove to be a very creative experience or a boring one.

I attempted my French Toast this morning:

• 1 Egg
• 1 tsp sugar
• dash of salt
• 1/4 cup milk

It wasn't horrible, I should have soaked the bread a little bit longer in the egg mixture, I also need some vanilla extract and maybe brown sugar I will have to see how expensive it is here so I may have to make-do without. They also were lacking syrup, however that's not a must because I added some jam and nutella (nutella will definitely be my downfall here) and they tasted fine.

I bought some middle eastern cinnamon, which is kind of weird. I'm not sure if it's just different or if it's more for spices so I tried a little of it on a piece  of the french toast and it wasnt bad. I might play around with that a bit more.

I also tried to mix some nutella in half of the batter but that failed ahaha further experimentation for that to follow as well!

Scrambled Omelettes

This morning I (attempted) to cook an omelette. However, I have NEVER been able to successfully make an omelette. I'm not exactly sure why but by the end they always end up as scrambled eggs. Therefore, another France cooking goal I have is to make a perfect omelette, even if it is merely omelette au fromage.

Today was spent with a bit of (unsuccessful) winter shopping. I realized I just don't like winter clothes. I am destined to live in a desert for the rest of my life because I just don't like anything associated with cold.

Afterward, we went to the contemporary art museum. It was an artist's private collection, which I will update more on later, including pictures! I plan to go back, they have a Basquiat painting BUT it was down today, dommage.

According to a guide, there are 11 museums in Marseille and I plan to check them all out! I also am dying to take a trip to Arles to check out the Picasso and Van Gogh collections. Once I get my first paycheck and I'm able to see how life based on that. hopefully I will be able to budget in some day trips. I want to make a trip to Eze, a small town between Nice and Monaco that I visited in 2009, so that I can buy more of this perfume that I love.

My laptop charger is officially dead. Which is super frustrating. I am very fortunate that my lovely neighbor (and fellow assistant), Barbara, has a Mac as well, so until my charger from amazon arrives OR my warrantied charger from the Apple store comes in (yes, I indeed have two separate chargers on their way to me... such is my life), I can borrow hers. I'm hoping the one comes in the mail tomorrow and life will be so much easier.

As far as the cooking project goes, I've decided tomorrow I will take a stab at some French toast. I bought a baguette yesterday AND a loaf of bread (why I cannot figure out...) and I need to get rid of the baguette because they don't last more than a day or two. I have it cut up and sitting out to dry. HOPEFULLY I have all the ingredients for it!!!

I am gradually coming to terms with my carb-laden diet and maybe I will be able to accept an expanding waistline. Hopefully, the walking I am doing will compensate for all the bad and I will at least remain the same size.

Culture Shock Take 2.

Here is a video I found on culture shock. It's pretty similar to the article I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way this guy articulates what he's saying. I feel like he is reading entries from my personal journal.

It makes me feel better to know that everything I am feeling is normal. When I knew I was leaving, I figured I'd be homesick, and miss my family and have a hard time adjusting to taking care of myself. I, however, never accounted for this phenomenon of culture shock. I mean, I've visited France before and I loved it! I visited the exact area I am in before...and I LOVED it.

So of course, living here would be a DREAM. I'd speak french and sip espresso, I'd go to open air markets and dress in chic winter clothes and roam the streets like a dignified French woman. I'd have my adorable french apartment with awesome french roommates who would be my instant best friends. I would go salsa dancing nightly and dance with the best of the best and come back to Tucson being the best dancer ever.

When I got here and realized that everything I expected was NOT as it was, well I kind of lost it. Not to mention that the fact that I was leaving all my friends, all my family, all these amazing relationships I had cultivated in Tucson. The realization of leaving didn't hit me until a week before I left and I was a wreck from that my entire way here, so that coupled with how much Marseille was NOT the French dream I built up in my brain, and this idea of culture shock...well it was too much to handle.

I really am doing a lot better, and watching this video, and realizing that it's normal to still feel homesick and still wake up and just want to lay in bed all day, cry, and then pack up my bags and board the first plane home, is actually very comforting.

 

 

A bit of focus

So I'm in a weird place. I've reached this strange stage where I am still homesick and want to go home but I WANT to be able to enjoy it here. I'm going to try really hard to be more positive. If I focus on the good things, then the bad won't seem as bad, right?

So I need some goals. I've kind of mentally set some goals for myself but I think it will be good if I use this blog to focus on those things some more.


Goal 1: Spend less time attached to cellphone

This is a picture that was taken shortly before I left for France. Basically I have been GLUED to my phone since I've had one. I intended to get a data plan for my cell phone but I feel like I don't need to be spending the money to be connected to facebook 24/7. Also, I really don't want to risk my phone getting stolen so if I'm going out and I'm not meeting someone somewhere I leave it at home. My goal is to not let my phone be my tether when I go back to the states. 

Goal 2: Learn to Cook

I'm having a lot of fun of learning how to cook for myself and trying new recipes. There's a great market right down the street from me that has fruits and veggies for CHEAP. I need to reduce my carb/sugar intake for sure. I've been eating a bit too indulgently since I've been settled and I need to settle because I definitely would like to benefit from all this extra walking and lose a few lbs/get into better shape. 

I also want to expand my recipe database. I am definitely my mother's daughter and I love kitchen supplies/cooking stuff so this should be fun. I currently have a lot of...random...food. And I am broke. So, until my supply of randomness is depleted I will be focusing on cooking with said ingredients. 

The above is my first attempt at crepes. They turned out decent enough, but since I am in france and I am big on making my own personal recipes, I feel the need to tweak it until it is the best I can find. I've decided that some of my posts will take a Julie/Julia approach and I will discuss my adventures in cooking.

Thus far my three favorite meals I have made are: Crepes with nutella (mmmmmm), Couscous with curry and tons of vegitables (Never knew I loved couscous so much...I will definitely be playing around with that more often), and tonight I made a breaded turkey breast fillet which I used some crumbled cereal with the flour to coat it....YUM (this one again will be using some tweaking so that it has a more personal touch).

Some basic recipes I have used so far are: (Keep in mind I have no measuring cups or utensils so I am literally using a cup which I assume is 8oz and my "table" and "Tea" spoons....it's worked out so far though so I can't complain too much!

Crepes

• (just over) 1/4 cup of all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tbsp of melted butter
• 3/4 cups of skim milk
• 1 egg
• dash of salt

This yield's about 3-4 crepes...I basically reduce every recipe I find the what I assume will be more or less single serving.

I think they need a bit of sugar in them, just for flavor. also I bought some "oriental" (which here refers to middle east and is somewhat confusing to me even though it shouldn't be haha) cinnamon so I'm going to try and add some of that in it.

I tried making them this morning with oil instead of butter in order for them to be somewhat healthier, but that did NOT work. The crepes took forever to cook and were greasy and not flimsy, they also didn't have very much flavor!

Couscous with Curry

• 3/4 cup couscous
• 1 1/2 cups water
• dash of salt
• 2 teaspoons-ish (to taste) of curry powder

Couscous is EASY to make. The first time I tried to make this it came out pretty bland. The next time I made my own chicken/vegetable stock which was AWESOME. I have made 3 full meals out of that stock!
For that I used:

• Zucchini 
• Some form of chile pepper I got at the market
• Carrots
• Onions
• Garlic

I also boiled in some chicken breast in it which added so much flavor to the stock. I used the rest of it with some rice and curry the next day which was wonderful.

Tonight's turkey I soaked it in some egg then, for the coating I mixed flour, corn flakes, and salt and pepper. The turkey was SO juicy and succulent. I tried to do some lemon garlic butter pasta on the side but i added WAY too much lemon!

From here on out I will be photographing and detailing my cooking adventures here as well as my daily life adjusting to France!

I need to figure out some desserts that I can make stove top...or see if I can b.s. some sort of baked goods because I MISS making cakes and cookies.

Every week gets a bit easier

So I'm doing better. This week was a lot better than previous weeks. I realized I have to get out of the house early or I get super bummed out quick. Refreshing facebook for hours at a time when everyone back home is asleep and everyone in France is busy is NOT productive.

I've been to Ikea 3 times this week...and I can't say that I am against that.

I need to sleep more, I am not a morning person and I need to start going to bed at a reasonable enough hour that I'm not so groggy. Teaching and being mentally out of it is NOT a good combination.

I had a TERRIBLE class on Wednesday. The kids just STARED at me and didn't understand anything I said nor did they want to. I started with working on the document their teacher gave them....which they did not respond to so I was like OOOK how about...we do halloween?....*me going on my halloween lesson schpeel*...silence...stereotypes? music? movies? speak to me in french and i will translate...SOMETHING! UGH. Horrible.

My favorite class is the 21-24 year old boys. They were the most responsive and excited to be there. Granted all they do is sit there and make flirtatious comments to me....BUT at least they speak english and are attentive to me so I don't feel like I'm just wasting time. The door broke while we were in class and we got locked in and they freaked out. It was hilarious and chaotic.

Today was cool because I got to watch this arabic band play for an English class. It was really amazing and I'm glad I was there for it!

I also went to a tango lesson tonight, that was of course completely in French...and I understood most of what was going on...HOLLA. Some of the guys tried to explain things to me but I had NO idea what they were saying. One guy was super annoying because he was getting mad I was having trouble with following everything. UM ok buddy, this is my third time doing tango, the first two were crappy lessons...and this lesson is in a langauge i don't get...I'm gonna say I did pretty damn well so GET OVER IT.

Afterward I checked out some Puerto Rican salsa. I went with a fellow assistant who also went to tango and he is a ballroom dancer so he was a great lead and I kind of danced with him most, which I don't mind because...like I said he was a good lead so I had good dances. I danced with this REALLY good dancer and had such a hard time following, but it wasn't the worst dance I've ever had. Then I danced with a few beginners, which I didn't mind. I feel pretty good about dancing. Puerto Rican is definitely my style. I am NOT a cuban dancer, rueda is one thing but I need musicality and breaks and style.

All in all I think the culture shock is beginning to wear off, and I'm able to accept the fact that I'm here to stay a bit better. I found an awesome open air market and got great veggies for cheap so THAT was added to my list of "things you dont find in Tucson".

However it was very cold today and I'm not sure I'm goign to handle this winter well at all...

My blog needs more pictures because I know reading and reading is BORING. So I will try and include at least one in every post from here on out (and I updated some old ones with appropriate images)
I leave you today with an image from our mall shopping adventure....

Missing Suburbia

So I think part of the reason I'm having problems adjusting to Marseille is, frankly, I am made for suburbia. I went to Ikea twice this week and it is in a more suburban area, where there are houses, and shopping malls, and tons of wide open space.

I never thought living downtown would be so displeasing for me!

Being around all these huge, old, buildings is fantastic and all.

 

However, it's SO dirty. I miss my HOUSE. I miss my CAR. I miss Target, I miss the malls. I miss the desert and the mountains. Part of me wishes I lived closer to my school because that is a more suburban area. However, in reality, suburbia is only great when you have a car. I would have NO social life if I lived up there and I keep trying to remind myself of that.

I don't know what Paris had that Marseille doesn't. Maybe the fact that I wasn't there completely alone...or maybe something else. I want Marseille to give me butterflies the way I get when I see art, or images from Paris.

There IS a contemporary art museum here so I would like to go there maybe this weekend. I would like to go to Paris and see if it still has the charm that I thought it had two years ago.

I don't know. I need to find my niche in this city because I do NOT like it and I do not want to spend the next 6 months so miserable.

I don't wanna grow up...

My google searches this week consist of:

• Recipes with xyz ingredients 
• How to plan a budget
• How to handwash clothes

My activities this week consisted of:

• Assembling a set of drawers from Ikea
• Mopping an apartment
• Writing lesson plans

On Friday, I was feeling kind of bummed so I made a trip to a store that I heard had sheets. What I stumbled into was an equivalent of a dollar store mixed with walmart. It felt like a dollar store, but had everything walmart would have. I have never been so excited to see mops, brooms, bedsheets and appliances. I almost bought a hand blender but I realized I didn't need it...but boy did I want that hand blender.

Saturday, I woke up early to go meet with some other assistants to watch the Rugby match between Wales and France. France won so next week will be more watching at 10 am! Hell yes. Afterward, we went to Ikea. I thought it would help me feel less homesick but it just made me miss my mom and Beth because I usually go with my mom, and I also was reminding of this trip that Beth, my mom, and myself took up there a few years ago.
I did, however, get an awesome set of drawers, which is great because I now feel like all my stuff isn't just cluttered in a closet!! ALSO I assembled it...all by myself. I had to buy a 7euro hammer (WTF?!?!) that I will probably never use again.

I'm working on lesson plans right now, hopefully my first week of teaching goes smoothly! Wish me luck!!

On a non-grown up level. I went salsa dancing on Thursday! It was SO different from what I'm used to. It was a cuban salsa night, so I was comfortable (for the most part) with many of the moves because of Rueda but it was weird doing those moves couples style. I danced with some really good dancers and they were terrible, but I was ok with it because I know it's because I'm not used to the style. I also had some REALLY good dances so that helped too. I'm going to try a Puerto Rican night and see how that feels.

Day 3 of grown up

So I did this program in order to DELAY growing up but all the sudden, I am realizing I have been thrust into adulthood more quickly than I ever imagined.

I'm on my third day of living completely on my own and it's weird. I'm cooking for myself, which is nice but I think it's gonna get real old, real fast. I've been to the grocery store every single day because I keep forgetting crap. But I think I finally have the essentials so I can start going every few days for stuff for dinner. I think I'm going to be eating tons of pasta!!!

Here's some of my concoctions: 

It's weird having to buy house stuff and I'm not realizing all the crap I need until I'm in the middle of needing it. My current list includes:

• Shower Caddy
• Broom
• Mop
• Bedsheets

I'm sure there are more...but I won't discover it until I need it, of course!!!

Today was my second day teaching and it did NOT go as smoothly as the first. I am glad Wednesdays are short because I don't think I will like them. One girl got kicked out of class for being belligerent, I think because she couldn't understand me but I couldn't exactly figure out what was going on. All I know is she stormed out and slammed the door and the girls in front of me were being adorable and giving me the "I don't know what's going on either!!!" eyes.

The second class was REALLY interested in what I had to say...however their level of English is LOW. It's gonna be soooo hard to teach these lower-leveled kids and I hope I can find some activities to help them.

After school, since I was done at 11, I went to the beach. Can I just say how cool it is to have a beach be a 20 minute walk away! It sucks that today is probably the last day possible to go. BUT we stayed out there for about 3 hours and I got SO dark...like an idiot I left a bandaid on my leg so I will have this super awkward bandaid tanline!

Tomorrow I have to be at school by 8 and stay until 4. I have 3 hours of break which is WAY too much. But maybe I can use it as my planning time and get a lot done.

I am a teacher.

So yesterday was my first day of school. It's weird to be on the other side of language acquisition classes. Most of the classes (in fact, all except one) have at least a good enough majority of students who speak English. They asked a thousand questions about me and my life and it was actually really fun.

Period 1: BTS accounting students (BTS refers to basically the equivalent of receiving your associates degree but you get it from your high school. This class was fun. It's with the teacher I was living with so I was comfortable with her. There was a group of boys who of course thought they were hot shots, every class asked me "Do you have a boyfriend?", "where do you live?", and i could them amongst themselves asking if I have facebook haha.

Period 2: Terminale students (seniors). This class was the one that spoke no english. The teacher spoke them in French and they were learning how to write a cover letter and resume. I'm not sure HOW I'm going to handle this class. I'm thinking really remedial games with tons of vocab. I don't even know.

Then I had a two hour lunch, which isn't so bad...I can use it to check email and stuff or plan if I need.

Period 3: BTS Mechanics. This class will be FUN haha it's ALL boys aged 21-23. They were absolutely smitten with me. They had really high levels of English though and were a lot of fun. I look forward to this class. One of the boys asked if I'd be willing to meet with them occasionally outside of class if they wanted to improve their English. We exchanged emails and he sent me the sweetest email saying that he hoped I understood that he really just wants to be fluent and he thinks the best way is to learn by practicing with a native speaker. I am very impressed by his determination and I will probably agree to like an hour extra per week.

Period 4: Terminale-English reinforcement. This class should be fun. The girls were more talkative, all the other classes the girls sat silent while the boys talked up a storm. This class they are working on a Midsummer Night's Dream and I think they are actually going to put on the play which will be really fun! I'm looking forward to this as well.

Period 5: Terminale. This class was a lot of fun too. I LOVE the teacher. She is a sweetheart, I have her for 3 classes and I am so happy about that. She saw me in the hall earlier that day and like stopped me and made sure I was doing ok because they all know I've had issues finding housing. This class was FULL of energy, the teacher had to separate like groups of friends haha it was crazy. But they were fun.

Overall, french teenagers are A HANDFUL. I seriously feel like they were WAY worse behaved than students when I was in high school, but I could be wrong. They all seem really nice and hopefully if I can stay strong and I don't LET them walk all over me they wont...we will see. I have two more classes so I will update more then!

I HAVE A HOME!

Yesterday I saw the most adorable studio-loft and, although it is 500 euros a month I DIDNT CARE. It was perfect and my parents said they'd help me pay, also I can apply for the CAF (basically France's version of welfare but anyone...students, housewives, etc....can apply for it) so that will help.

It's right on the main street so it's close to salsa/going out/the metro/the tram/etc so it will be nice. It's kind of noisy on the street but I think I will be ok.

It's dorm-style so the toilets are outside. I have my own shower and sink and kitchen so that's nice. I didn't realize HOW MUCH stuff I took for granted living at home. I bought oil, salt and pepper, soap and paper towels and I need SO much more haha.

Here are some crappy mobile pictures I took for you to see my new home

Entryway to my new home!

 

Kitchen!

 

Desk

 

Upstairs...bed, shower, sink!!

 

I can do this.

So, in reference to my entry on Monday, I have no entered the frustration stage of culture shock.

Settling In…To Frustration?!  

This is a difficult stage of culture shock, familiar to anyone who has lived abroad or traveled for a long time. You don’t understand gestures. You get laughed at, you horribly offend a little old lady without knowing why.

The usual response is anger. I often tell people that culture shock is is walking out the door, being greeted by a neighbor and wanting nothing more than to shout obscenities at them.
It is a visceral reaction that permeates every part of the experience, from misunderstanding shopkeepers, to losing your keys or missing the bus. Frustration comes and goes, disillusion comes on like a monsoon and the pangs of homesickness can become debilitating.

I legitimately hate this city. Granted, I haven't had a great deal of time to enjoy it, and that is probably why I hate it. A man was meowing at a girl on the metro today. Seriously?!?!

Today we had a meeting that took ALL day and was miserable. I hardly undestood a word they said and the room was so stuffy, toward the end I just got so stressed I nearly had a panic attack and myself and Becca RAN out of the building as soon as people started leaving. Stupid French Bureaucracy.

I am currently bouncing between depression, acceptance, and frustration...stimm waiting for this honeymoon stage.

In positive news, I have managed to learn how to take the metro around the city and I am working on the bus. This is officially the longest time I've been away from home without a family member and I think it's just barely starting to hit me that I have moved out of my hometown and I am in Europe.

I am praying to whatever God that will listen that I will find a suitable housing arrangement before Monday. I NEED to be settled so this can feel like some sort of home.

One step backward

Today sucked. I'm pretty sure I'm doing everything wrong. I was supposed to go to my school today at 9am and do a shit ton of paperwork and I didn't because my teacher didn't realize I needed that stuff by Wednesday.

I didn't take something to my immigration meeting because I didn't realize I needed it. So now I have to go back tomorrow before I have a consulate meeting.

I just want to get a phone so I can contact people and not be so damn lost.

One More

Victoria sent me an article today and these are some parts that hit home hardest:

Culture shock.You’re lost, standing baffled in new surroundings with a heavy pack on your shoulders, unable to tell left from right, up from down, phone booths from trash cans or ripoff artists from friends.

But this image of sudden shock isn’t quite accurate.

In reality, culture shock is a much more nuanced phenomenon that can take months to develop and overcome. Culture shock will flip your emotions topsy-turvy. It will effect you in completely unexpected ways.

More than simply being surprised at unfamiliar social norms, weird new food or foreign modes of conversation, culture shock will impact you long after you become familiar and comfortable with the day-to-day customs of a new culture.

Culture shock tends to move through four different phases: wonder, frustration, depression and acceptance.

Of course, like all things that happen in our complicated little brains, it’s never really that simple or easy. Each of these stages take time to run their course, and how deeply one effects you is never set in stone. Even the order of these 4 stages can be unpredictable.

Depression: Feeling Stuck

Ah, the big one. We’ve all felt a little down before, but rarely when we’re so far from home.

Depression on the road is a feeling of hopelessness and longing, like nothing will ever be OK again until you hop on that plane home.

The worst part about this brand of moping is that it’s difficult to see the link to culture shock – the feeling can sometimes seems disconnected from travel, and often even homesickness. It can take the form of simple, implacable malaise.

It’s hard to be so far away, especially if you’re all by yourself. Frustration can bring on homesickness, but depression adds the dimension of feeling like you just have to get out.

Acceptance: Home Away From Home

Acceptance does not necessarily entail total understanding – it’s nearly impossible to ever claim complete understanding of another culture – but instead involves the realization that you don’t have to “get” it all. You find what makes you happy and content in your new surroundings.

And there lies the crux of culture shock: the bad stuff, like feeling lost, hopeless and out of place, will run its course no matter what happens.

Going The Distance

Even though you can’t avoid culture shock entirely, there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself.

The first step, of course, is to recognize that what you’re going through is culture shock. If you can come to terms with wild mood swings and sad times, and recognize they’re part of the inevitable process, it’s a lot easier to convince yourself that the bad feelings will pass. And they will.

Secondly, it’s crucial to learn the language as you go. Culture shock, at its simplest, is an inability to integrate, and the biggest barrier to that is generally language. The more able a traveler is to laugh, cry and seek solace with the locals, the easier it is to deal with ups and downs.

Though it can be one of the toughest parts of traveling, culture shock is just as integral to the experience as food, people and scenery. By recognizing it for what it is and doing your best to cope, you can easily prevent culture shock from ruining an otherwise fantastic journey.

Source

Solace in a McDonald's

So I'm sure everyone knows I safely made it to France. So you're probably wondering why no update?

Well to put it simply, I have been miserable and I just didn't want to talk about it.

Everyone has posted on my facebook how proud they are of me and how I better be having a blast and how they miss me and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. and I just didn't have to heart to say to them "I fucking hate everything about this and everything about this city and I am about an hour away from boarding a plane to come back home"

I've basically been a hysterical mess since my party on Saturday. Saying goodbye to the closest people in my life was SO hard. I know it's not permanent but I have this deep-rooted fear that they will forget me, or that in May things will be different and I won't click with them anymore because they changed. (I think I'm neglecting to realize the fact that I, myself, am in Europe and that I will probably change myself). I cried so much that night and woke up Sunday morning sobbing to my mom. Then the stupid battery on my cellphone died so I spent that afternoon panicking about that.

Monday morning I was in a daze. Beth came over to say goodbye and I was a mess. The rest of the day was such a blur. Airport to airport, my layovers were so short that it just breezed by. When I got on the plane from Tucson my carryon wouldn't fit in the overhead and these two men were trying to help me and when they told me I had to check it I broke down and started sobbing. The men were so nice telling me it wasnt the end of the world. Then this woman in front of me asked me if I was ok then reached back and held my hand. She was so sweet, and it really helped.

I got to France Tuesday evening and I was instantly a mess. I skyped my mom and beth and was BAWLING. The hotel was so lonely. I met up with another assistant for dinner which was nice. I woke up in the middle of the night freaked out and bawling and I called my mom sobbing. (My phone makes calls through WIFI which has been SUPER nice)

Wednesday I spent the entire day looking at apartments and was a fail. I cried all day pretty much. I was so close to packing up and coming home. I have never been so lonely in my life.

Thursday the teacher at my school picked me up so i could stay with her and i found out she had no wifi which sucked, what was i gonna do if i woke up in the middle of the night.

The next day I had my bank appointment and i found a mcdonalds by there and i ended up calling my mom hysterically crying. I did this probably 3 more times that day.

Every apartment I've looked at is horrible. I cannot live in a dark prison box for 7 months. The apartments I do like something else goes wrong. SO FRUSTRATING.

Friday I felt better at first. I went to look at two more apartments but when both failed I broke down again.

Saturday I met up with another assisstant and a couchsurfer and that helped. It helped to have people to talk to, people to express my frustrations to. That night we went up to the notre dame de la garde and it was beautiful to see the city at night. It helped to see more than just the dirty downtown area.

Sunday I felt quite a bit better. I got to talk to some good friends and the weather was gorgeous, I met up with Barbara and also another assistant Becca again and it helped so much just to vent about the program and everything to someone in person.

I think I'm starting to adjust. I just desperately need a home so I can settle. I can do without wifi and a phone for another week but goddamn I want a place to call my own.

Sorry for such negativity and for such a long entry. That's why i've put off updating so much because i dont want to be such a downer.

I just have to survive until december and it will be smooth sailing.