But really, are any of us real people?

April 2nd. 29 days left in France, what the hell?

When I started, I knew time would fly...but I guess I didn't realize it would go by THIS fast. The last 6 months of my life have been SUCH a blur.

Cleared out my phone today and text messages sent in September feel like they were sent yesterday.

I'm so excited for the next, I'm gonna say...3 months.

April I'm going to try and live it up and enjoy the last of the time I have here as much as I can.

May will be readjusting to a life I once knew. I feel the same as when I left Tucson, but I know that I can't be. You can't spend 7 months in a completely foreign country away from everyone you've ever known for the first time and expect to go home as though nothing has changed.

June I shall be setting off to Israel for 10 days on my birthright trip. For those of you that don't know, every person with a Jewish parent is entitled to a free guided trip to Israel before they are 26. I know several people who have done this and they have told me it was absolutely the best experience ever. I cannot wait. I'm hoping it will further this year of self-discovery.

The last two and a half weeks have been really rough. Lots of stuff has been going on and because of that I am just ready to be at home and be around my family.

However,  on the other hand, this has been SUCH a rewarding experience and I have met amazing people and I know that it won't take long for the nostalgia and the realization that I won't be able to just walk down the Vieux Port to see everyone hits.

It's been a Rollercoaster and I know I've complained about being here a lot but, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

Reboot.

So, when I initially was planning my trip to France, I had no intention of coming back to the states until April/May. However, if my lovely friends and readers remember, my first days were, to put it nicely, rough. So, in conjunction and support of my parents, I decided I'd come home for some time over the Christmas break.

Everyone keeps asking me, why only a week? Well, I needed to come home for a bit for a mix of reasons, however I already had plans for Christmas that I was looking forward to.

I didn't tell people I was coming home for awhile because it was a really personal thing and, along with having some obligations to take care of, I also wasn't sure how I needed/wanted to spend my time at home.

I've been in Tucson since Tuesday, and I can now fully understand the extent of "there's no place like home". Instantly my plane landed (after a long and draining 33 hours of travel), and I felt like I was picking up where I left off. Everything in my room is how I left it, my cat, my dog, my family...all the same. I've spent the week catching up with people and spending as much time as possible with my family (and also enjoying delicious Mexican food).

I have been greeted with such warm welcomings that it may be even harder to leave this time than the first. I have such amazingly wonderful people in my life and I only wish I had decided to stay here longer so I could enjoy more time with everyone.

I love my friends and family so much. I could not be more blessed with loving and warm people in my life. I've come to realize half of the reason I love salsa so much is the awesome people. This week, I could care less about if I had bad dance nights or not, I had a blast just dancing with and being in the company of my amazing friends.

Seeing my non-salsa friends and being able to catch up as though I'd only been away for a week is so comforting and takes away so many fears that I had that I'd be forgotten.

I think the feeling of comfort and the fact that I resettled in without a hiccup comes from this weird feeling of separateness of my life in Marseille and life in Tucson. They are so completely separate that it almost feels like I dreamed my life there. I think this half of it will be different and I'll start creating links between the two since people will be visiting me in the coming months.

This trip home has made me sort of refocus. Being away from Marseille helps me put my life there in some sort of perspective. I wish I could lie and tell people I love the city, but as most people have heard, I dislike it greatly. The best thing about it is the awesome people I have met.

So, I need to remember why I wanted to come to France so much and things that I need to work on.

I need to start speaking more French, that is a fact. I think I'm going to force all of my fellow anglophones to speak French when we are together...COME ON GUYS!

I also need to meet more french people, I legitimately have more French friends in Tucson, Arizona, USA than I do in Marseille, France. This is NOT acceptable, it feels like I'd be improving my French more in Tucson at this point.

I will be traveling more in the Spring regardless if I am alone or have people, if you don't like the city you are in and can't move, then get out as much as possible. I already am planning a trip with Torie for Februray and I think I am visiting a friend in Angers the last week of January so I already have stuff to look forward to.

Eat more French food! Everyone keeps asking me what great foods I've been eating, and I respond with pasta and eggs, not ok. I am going to budget in eating some local cuisine more often or at least trying to cook more "french" food.


Here's to part two of une vie française.

The Birthday Abroad

Today I turn 23, and I am in France. I was talking to a friend last night and she asked me what I normally do on my birthday. Well, to be honest, I usually do a lot with my mom. When I was younger she would take me out of school and to lunch and as I've gotten older we either do lunch or dinner and then she spoils me. So, naturally that made this years celebration a little bit of a bummer.

That's not to say this years birthday was bad, not by any means. In fact, my friends here have gone above and beyond to make this a wonderful birthday. On Saturday, I organized a College-themed party complete with beer pong and flip cup. Although we got yelled at by some cranky French neighbors and had water poured on us, it was an excellent celebration and everyone had a blast!!! They surprised me with balloons and cupcakes when I walked in and it was wonderful.

Today I took a trip up to Aix-en-Provence and had coffee with a friend up there and then visited their art museum. It was really nice and relaxing and it was nice to just get out of the city for a day. I woke up kind of bummed out, but I think I'm ok. I feel so much love and warmth from everyone (from home and here). I can also safely say, that this years birthday is a hell of a lot better than last years and I couldn't have asked for more.

Another one down

Month two is officially complete. I can safely say that this month has come to a close a lot more easily than the first. I feel like I've been here so much longer and the weeks are absolutely flying by. Things are starting to feel more and more like home here which is wonderful. Myself and about 10 or 11 other assistants from all over the world had a Thanksgiving which definitely led to a sense of home. We did it potluck style where everyone brought something to share and we all ate far too much and sat around all afternoon drinking, snacking, and chatting and it was marvelous. It definitely took away some of the sting of being away from home for such a huge family holiday. It's like all of us have formed our own little family and it's so nice.

My birthday is a week from today and I'm not dreading it quite as much as I was last week...we'll see how it goes when the day actually gets here. This weekend should be fun; we have a boat party Friday, I am having a birthday party on Saturday, and Sunday shall be a lazy day.

I went to a giant supermarket that was a bit far, but SO worth the commute. I bought some Christmas decorations and now my apartment feels a little more festive!!! I also received some bday cards in the mail from my family so that will be nice to open :)

The obligatory Thanksgiving post

Spending the most important American holiday in a country that is NOT America is not an easy task. I gave my students lessons on thanksgiving this week and last and, while they were interested, they clearly did not get it. The French (or maybe just the Marseillais) are not the most festive group of people and they were all completely fascinated by how all out we go for holidays.

My class nearly made me cry when they asked me if I was able to go home for the holiday and remarked that they were sad for me because I couldn't.

I went to the market to pick up some celery and garlic for my attempt at thanksgiving dinner. Afterward Barbara came by to chat for a bit, which was very nice; it definitely is a blessing to have a friend so close so that I don't have to be completely alone at all times. After she left I decided to cook my dinner; while it wasn't a terrible meal, it was NOT the same. I dirtied every dish in my house to have a 15 minute meal which caused some tears when I realized my stuffing was NOWHERE near my mom's.

However, I did somehow make some homemade gravy and I did do SOME sort of stuffing. I also purchased a little strawberry tart from the bakery downstairs which was phenomenal.

I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life everywhere in the world. I miss everyone in Tucson so dearly and I am counting down the days until I can see them again. I miss my dear Victoria in Korea who is in a similar situation to me and I am thankful for her empathy and that we can be there for one another. I am thankful for everyone I have met her in France and I am so glad that they are fun and supportive and keep me going from day to day.

An update

I am in freakin' Marseille, France and I have nothing to update my blog about, what is this? I guess it's just a lot easier for me to complain than to update the positive (I'm not sure if I should laugh about this or start a serious life reevaluation...).

I was sick for a good week and a half which resulted in a relapse to which I became incredibly depressed and homesick once again. Being sick and thousands of miles away from your mommy is awful.

I'm feeling better slowly, whatever this sickness is has been passed around through all the assistants so it's just been lingering around, ugh.

I can feel myself feeling more adjusted here. Life is becoming more and more routine and as I'm getting used to life here the culture shock is gradually wearing off so that's nice. I definitely still feel homesick every single day, HOWEVER, I can safely say it's been days since I was unbearably upset.

The people here are amazing and I'm pretty sure ALL I actually do is hang out and eat, which I can't really complain about. I'm learning a lot about myself and about meeting people and whatnot which is, I guess, a big reason why I wanted to come here.

It seems as though this program is divided into two parts, divided by Christmas vacation, which is nice. This portion is the uphill battle where I'm slowly learning exactly what issues I have and need to work on, and part two I see as working out the kinks and making some lifelong choices.

I think the most difficult part of this whole thing, is the overall sense of loneliness. Again, I'm definitely happy and I LOVE all the new friends I've made, however it's just not the same as the friends who have known me for years. I miss my family like crazy and I miss my cat and dog. I miss my best friends and just being able to call them up for ice cream. My sister just participated in the El Tour de Tucson and I missed it because I'm here. Thanksgiving is gonna be really hard, really, really hard. 

There's also the whole, being in a country surrounded by overtly affectionate couples and it getting colder and feeling the need to get cozy with someone. Yeah, THAT. That's really nothing new for me though, I've never been the happiest person around winter time. Maybe being here and discovering so much new stuff will change that....we will see...

Teaching has been going well actually. I would say 90-95% of the students are great. Half the time "class" literally turns into me joking around and just chatting with the kids, which is AWESOME.

Things are slowly falling into place....

Meditation.

The other article I found was a guided script for meditation.

I've felt this sudden urge and desire for spirituality since I've been in France. I think it's because I've felt so utterly lost and I have no idea how to find myself; humans seem to have this natural urge to find themselves through external sources, such as religion or simply loved ones. It's particularly hard when you displace yourself to somewhere in which you have no one, so the loved ones part becomes difficult.
Although I am making friends, it's not the same as people who know me well enough to know what to say when I'm in certain moods.

I have wanted to find a synagogue, however, that is slightly scary because I've never even been in the states! I still want to though because even though I don't quite agree with organized religion, Judaism is the one which i most closely identify with.

The church yesterday was so peaceful and calming. I'm not sure if it was just because it was quiet in there or if it was some spiritual awakening that I had...I will have to explore this more while I am here.

So, after reading the meditation article, I gave it a try. I am going to try and do it daily to decompress and see if it starts to help. Tonight's session was kind of rough and I started crying as I sent positive energy toward my loved ones (however that may be a good thing, shedding tears can be quite a strong sense of emotion right?).

So for those who want to try, here is the script:

1. Sit quietly and comfortably.
   Sit in a comfortable way but without being in a sleepy position. For example, back straight, head up, feet on the floor and your arms gently in your lap. Breathing naturally. Watch your breath going in and your breath going out. Keep focusing on your breathing for a while.
   

2. Place your attention on the area in the middle of your chest and around your heart.
   Repeat to yourself gently and softly, feeling what these words mean:
   "Love, love, love, may my heart be filled with love..."
   As you say this, if you like, bring up an image of something that you feel caring and loving towards. It may be an image of a soft, lovable dog, or the serene look on someone's face, or it might be a baby, or the feeling of the soft fur as you stroke a kitten ...

3. Experience this feeling of warmth and love through your whole body:
   Feel the sense of caring, healing and soothing. Let it wash over you and through you while you gently repeat to yourself:
   May I be well, healthy and strong
   May I be happy
   May I abide in peace
   May I feel safe and secure
   May I feel loved and cared for.
   

4. Bring into your mind someone who is important to you, someone you like and respect.
   Engulf them with this warmth and caring. See them happy and smiling:
   May you be well
   May you be happy
   May you abide in peace
   May you feel safe and secure
   May you feel loved and cared for.
   

5. Do this with someone else who is equally important, that you like and respect.
   

6. Do this with someone you barely know.
   

7. Do this with someone you got irritated/upset with today.
   

8. Do this with someone who has hurt you/you are concerned about meeting in the future.

9. Radiate the warmth and love to people around you
   ... to everyone in your suburb, in your city, in the nation, in the world: May we all be well, May we all be happy, May we all abide in peace, May we all feel safe and secure, May we all feel loved and cared for.

Bring your attention back to yourself, so the feeling fills your whole being, breathing in peacefully, breathing out peacefully, at peace with yourself and the world.

I think that this, coupled with forcing myself to stop thinking about everything I MISS at home will do me a lot of good. Once I stop thinking, "I miss X, I miss Y, I miss Z about Tucson" I need to smack myself and say, well that's great about Tucson but I am in Marseille and there are a million wonderful things here.

Here it comes

17 days and I will be on my way to starting the craziest journey of my life.

I am completely bi polar with my emotions, going between completely panicked and terrified...to so antsy and excited that I want to go camp out at the airport right now.

I still have no set place to live. I look almost daily but I just get quickly stressed and discouraged. Ugh, I don't know how to do this. I have no idea how to be an adult.

One of my closest friends left for Korea on Wednesday. That, coupled with a series of events that have occurred this week sent me into a tailspin. I spent about 90% of the day in tears. I didn't get out of bed until I had to at about 4pm. It was so rough. I think everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Her leaving made me realize probably one of the hardest parts of growing up yet, the fact that I probably will never live in the same city as all of the people I have grown up with and loved for the majority of my life.

Not only am I leaving people I've known for years, but I'm leaving a bunch of new friends who I have had barely enough time to get to know! I am thankful for the internet; facebook, skype, blogger, etc. because that way I will be able to keep in touch and keep tabs on all my wonderful family and friends.

There are so many changes going on in every single facet of my life that it's mildly hard to take at sometimes and it makes me wonder if I picked the worst time in the world to leave. However, on the other side of that, maybe I picked the best time. I'm not sure if I'd be able to cope with all this if I was caught up in the middle.

In some ways I feel like I'm still 16 years old. Naive, boy-crazy, and not a true care in the world. In many other ways, I am not that girl at all. I have grown up leaps and bounds in the last 4 years. I am hoping that all the lessons I have learned have prepared me to take on the world all by myself. We will see in just over 2 shorts weeks.